6 weeks old!

  Wow, time has gone so fast. I can't believe that Paityn is already 6 weeks old. It does not seem like she should be that old yet. I have already seen so many changes in her and I look back to those first pictures and I wonder where my little girl has gone.



The pacifier used to engulf her face





Now her cheeks engulf the pacifier.



 

 I find myself looking at her at night while I am feeding her and getting emotional. How did that one 2-cell embryo bring me this beautiful little girl. It seems so unreal. I feel so fortunate to have been able to experience pregnancy, her kick, move, etc and now look at this beautiful little person. I get to hold her in my arms and call her my daughter. It is so amazing, overwhelming, and beautiful!

  By the end of the first month Paityn has been eating every 2-3 hrs around the clock. She eats between 2-3 ounces at a time. She sometimes gets fussy when eating, which has been a little of a challenge, but we are starting to figure her out. She has this fake cry that she does......but it doesn't fool us. She can get really mad at time and it takes a bit to calm her down. She is my little drama queen. When she doesn't want the bottle or pacifier she will gag it out!!!

  She loves walks, car rides, stretching, music, being snuggled and being bounced. She loves her pink rattle. She hates getting dressed and being cold. She is not a fan of the swing or the bouncy seat yet. She often likes to be held while she sleeps :)

  She makes all kinds of faces that are too cute. She also makes these funny noises when she can't quite get a sneeze out that always makes her dad and I laugh!!! She has already grown out of most of her newborn pajamas :( and is onto size 1 diapers. She is very strong and since very early on could lift up her head and control it.



Paityn's "ohhhhh" face



  I products I have loved have been the boppy pillow, activity gym, moby wrap, sound machine, rocking chair!!!

 

 She is starting to smile, although most of the time it is not a "true" smile. She often does sleep smiles....


Sleeping smile :)

  At 5 weeks during tummy time, Paityn rolled from her stomach to her back! I was so impressed. She can do it pretty consistently now, that is when she is in the mood :) The hair on the top of her head fell out, but her hair on the sides and back is really starting to fill in. She likes her baths, which we give her about 2-3 times a week. She likes to play under activity gym and it appears she is starting to notice things more. She can't quite grasp, but she does swing her arms around. She is starting to eat about every 3-4 hours at night giving mom a little more sleep :)

  I just love being a mom. I can't believe I only have 6 weeks of maternity leave left. Although I know she will be in great hands with my mom, I just hate to leave her. She is so precious to me that I want to be with her all the time. I don't want to miss anything! I hope little Paityn knows how much we love her and how much of a blessing she is to us.

Baby Blues

  As much as I still hate to admit it, the first two weeks were extremely tough and I think most of that was due to the baby blues. I have heard bits and pieces of baby blues, but did not realize how common it is. I think I read somewhere that about 85% of women have baby blues to some extent or another. I did not see it coming and I think that was the hardest.

   For most women, baby blues starts about 3-5 days after birth and usually last appx 2 weeks. From what I read, the baby blues is mostly due to the massive hormone shift that happens after delivery. I started to get teary about day 3 post delivery....I thought it was just the stress of breastfeeding, but it continued. I was exhausted and extremely anxious. I had no appetite and would cry for no reason. I think I though that being a nurse, this baby thing would be not that hard. Boy was I wrong, it is not like being a nurse, it is not a 12 hour shift and I go home and rest. This is a 24/7 job and I was nervous I was not doing it right - it is a very overwhelming feeling. I felt like an inadequate mom. I kept thinking, I waited so long for this and want this, why do I feel this way? I kept getting frustrated with myself because more than anything I just wanted to enjoy Paityn and feel happy.

  People kept asking me how I was doing and wanted to stop by. That also made me really anxious because I didn't know if I could see people without crying. I didn't know what people would think. I am so thankful that I had the support of my mom, dad and Brian to get me through. By the end of week 2 I started to feel better. There was less crying and I felt more confident. By 3 weeks I began to feel more like myself and couldn't have been happier. Although I was afraid to admit I had the baby blues, I think it is important for people to know it does happen and you are not a bad person or mom for having it. The more I started talking about it, the more I realized other people went through it too and was able to use them as support. I am so happy to be a mom. It truly is the hardest job you will ever do, but it is the most rewarding and will get even more rewarding everyday! I am so lucky, I just love my family!

  
 

Breastfeeding Fail

   I had all intentions of breastfeeding. Being a nurse, I have always known the benefits it provides to the baby. I also wanted that bonding that everyone talks about. In my mind, there was no question I would be breastfeeding.

   There have been quite a few people I have known that have had breastfeeding issues whether that be inadequate milk supply, latching, etc. I have no idea just how HARD breastfeeding is! I never took a breastfeeding class because I thought how can they actually teach you without having a baby there? In hindsight, I wish I would have read up more about breastfeeding or have taken a class because I was not at all prepared. I knew a person's milk did not come in for several days, but I was not prepared to wait four days.

   Just minutes after Paityn was born she breastfed. The first 24 hours of a baby's life they are very sleepy. So sleepy in fact, that often times you have to undress them and get them cold in order to wake them up to eat. The first day I had no trouble breastfeeding. Paityn was making plenty dirty and wet diapers to ensure that she was getting plenty of nutrition. Every nurse that had seen her stated she had a good latch. It wasn't until Saturday that there started to be problems. Although Paityn was latching good, breastfeeding really hurt me. No big deal, but everyone you talk to says it shouldn't hurt or you are doing it wrong. Also, the nurses said that the baby should nurse about 20 minutes on each side. Every time I would take her off, she would start to scream and act hungry. I had an agency nurse (that is a nurse who usually doesn't work at the hospital) and she was not aware of the resources so I was not set up with a lactation consultant. The nurse was able to find one, but she was really busy and was only able to talk to me for about 10 minutes. The lactation nurse was convinced that my milk was in and I just needed to keep Paityn at the breast. After about 2 hours of continuous nursing and falling asleep, Paityn was still screaming. Luckily the pediatrician came in and said I was reading her cues right, she was still hungry. With that, we started to both breastfeed and supplement with formula. I was sent home from the hospital stressed, crying, and unsure.

  That night and the next day were no better. I did not get ANY sleep because a breastfeeding baby should eat every 1.5-3hrs with the time starting at the beginning of feedings. So if I start and it takes 20 minutes on each side plus burping and rocking you are saying an hour. That left me with a half an hour to sleep before I had to potentially start all over again. In addition, my nipples were cracked and extremely sore.

  Sunday we called the on-call pediatrician to see if I could take a "break" from one feeding and just formula feed. She stated that I could not and to keep on having her suck because that is what would bring the milk in. I was stressed, tired, and sad that Paityn was not getting enough to eat. Maija did come over that evening and brought me a manual breast pump and even that hurt to use. My worse feeling was that I was starving Paityn as my milk STILL hadn't come in.

  By Monday evening my milk finally came in, but by that time I was on the verge of hysterical, stressed and completely exhausted. We were still both breast and formula feeding and I needed a break. I was toying with just formula feeding, but had such guilt that I was a bad mother. In addition, I am always the person that when things get tough, I want to prove you wrong and do it. I felt like I was giving up and felt guilty for not being stronger. In addition to total exhaustion, baby blues had kicked in (that is another post in itself). Thanks to some wise advice from some mothers, they told me to do whatever I needed to keep me sane. As much as I wanted to breastfeed, it was totally stressing me out. I also started thinking, realistically would I go through all of this and even be able to pump at work? I work on a crazy unit and getting away to pump would be next to impossible (I am still amazed at how some nurses are able to do it.)  Brian was so kind and took the pressure off me. He said, "I am making the decision and the decision is to bottle feed." With that, Monday evening was my last time breastfeeding and we switched to straight formula feeding.

   I still feel guilty from time to time about not breastfeeding. I could have pumped, but again, was just too stressed. I know plenty people bottlefeed and their children are just fine. I do feel I was able to bond with Paityn and still am bonding while bottlefeeding. I am able to get some help from other family members and I know they actually enjoy getting the opportunity to feed her. I wish I would have read up more about breastfeeding than just assuming I could do it and I wish I would have known how HARD it truly is. I am in awe of those who are able to breastfeed! In the end, Paityn is gaining weight well (if you can't tell by her chubby cheeks) and the doctors say she is healthy, which is the most important thing!!!

Labor and Delivery

  Lets start by first saying, I never thought I would go THAT early! I thought I would either be a few days early (perhaps on our anniversary 7/26) or a week late. With that being said, I was quite shocked when I had her at exactly 37 weeks!


  My labor and delivery was a very good experience. I can't say I have any complaints. I am not sure how long I was technically in labor as I was in very early labor for quite some time, but it was a lot quicker than I had anticipated. Labor for me started around 2:00am on Wednesday, July 11th. I woke up at 2am with what felt the period pains. I really didn't think much of it at the time. It was just kind of annoying. I was assuming my uterus was just getting too big and it was stretching to the max. It wasn't until I went to the bathroom that I thought something more may be going on. I have done a lot of reading during the pregnancy and I knew that some women get what is called a "bloody show" when they are in labor. What a "bloody show" is just some pink/blood-tinged discharge that is produced because the cervix is dilating. When I went to the bathroom early that morning, I did notice that the "bloody show" was present. I also had noticed a few days prior that I may have been losing my mucus plug, but that was not a red flag as the mucus plug an come out and be out for weeks before someone goes into labor.


   Brian had to head to work that morning and while he was getting ready I told him what was going on. He told me that I should call the doctor and call my mom and just let her know what was going on. The doctor did not open until 8:30am so I just hung out until then. While I was waiting, I noticed that my cramps were coming about 5-7minutes apart, but they were not that bad. I called the doctor that morning and the nurse told me that early labor can go on for days and to wait as long as I could. I called my mom after the doctor and told her that I may be going into early labor and I wasn't sure. Of course she was very excited and headed right over. Around noon I decided to go into labor assessment at Maple Grove. I figured they would not keep me, but I wanted to be sure I was actually having contractions and not just cramps. When I arrived in labor assessment, they hooked me up to the monitor and sure enough, I was having contractions every 3-6 minutes. They checked me and I was only 1.5cm dilated. After about an hour, they told me to go walk around and if I had a change after about 1 hr, they would keep me. If not, I was going to be sent home. Of course, there was no change so they gave me some Vistaril (muscle relaxer) and sent me home with the orders to come back if my water breaks, or the contractions get more severe. I was able to go home and get some rest which I was not able to get since the cramps started at 2am.


   Around 2am (seems like that is a trend) on Thursday, July 12th I woke again with worsening contractions. I downloaded a contraction timer  to see how frequently they were coming. They were about 5-7 minutes apart. They were not frequent enough, but definitely more painful. Brian kept asking if we needed to go to the hospital and I kept telling him "not yet." By 4:30 Brian decided he was not going into work and I headed into the shower. By 5:00am we (more Brian) decided it was time to head in.There was no traffic on the way to the hospital which was nice as the contractions were rather painful at that point. I did tell Brian that if he went over the bumps on 610 I was going to "kill him."Brian had been pestering me for about a week to get my bag packed. I had told him it was WAY too early, but I did write a list of things I needed (good thing he was on my case!!!). 
    
    When we arrived at the hospital they got me all hooked up and checked me and low and behold I was still only 1.5cm. I was really frustrated because at this point I thought "there is no way I can go home, these hurt too bad!" The nurse Jen, was super nice and she got me more Vistaril and Morphine and told me to sleep for awhile. They were originally going to recheck me at 8:30am, but I actually had an appointment at the clinic down hall at 9:50 so they decided to let me sleep until 9:30 and then I could make it to my appointment on time. By this time the contractions hurt so bad I was shaking when they would come. It was music to my hears when Jen checked me and I was at 4cm. I knew I was in labor and I was staying. The other great news was I could get an epidural whenever I wanted!!!!!  

  Apparently 7/12/12 was a very popular day to have a baby. All of the labor and delivery rooms were full! They told me there were just in the process of moving someone out of a room and had to get it cleaned. Getting someone out can take awhile, but getting a room cleaned can be done pretty fast. They asked if I needed my epidural right now, it could be done in labor assessment, but would like to do it in the room. Thinking it was only going to take a half hour or so I told them I could wait. In the mean time, I had to send a text message to the work girls as they were throwing me a shower that evening :) I didn't get into my room for appx 2 hrs and at that point the pain was unbearable. I told Brian to go tell the nurse that I don't care if the room isn't ready, but I need the epidural now. The doctor came in and I couldn't even focus on her the pain was so bad. Luckily right after Brian talked to the nurse the room was ready and the epidural was ready to be given. As I have said in previous blogs, I was worried about the epidural because of my scoliosis, but the anesthesiologist didn't have a problem at all getting it in. It does sting a little, but the process is really quick and the drug is the most amazing thing! I highly recommend anyone to get an epidural if they are in labor, it makes the experience so much better!!! Once the epidural was in and I was set up in my room I let all the family and best friends know I was in labor (the pain was too bad before and I didn't want lots of people in the room).

  Shortly after the epidural was in, the doctor came to check me and broke my water (around 12-1pm). I was 4-5cm at that time and hoped my labor would progress quickly with my water broken. Most of the family and friends had arrived at that time and everyone made guesses to time and weight of when this little girl would be born.

 I was able to rest for awhile with the epidural and around shift change (3:00-3:30pm) a new nurse (Christine) came in and checked me. I was only 5cm at that point and my contractions had actually started to spread apart so they started some Pitocin on me. I was a little worried and even asked at what point do they start talking a c-section. I was fully prepared for a c-section, I just assumed with the scoliosis I was going to have one. The nurse increased the Pitocin over the next 45 minutes and then she rolled me to my right side to get the baby to come down. Shortly after she rolled me to the right side, I started to have a lot of pressure in my bottom. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Brian wanted to go get the nurse and I told him "no, they just checked me and I was only 5cm." After watching me shake for a little longer, Brian took matters into his own hands and got the nurse. Good thing he did because it was about 4:30-4:45pm and when she had checked me I was at 9cm. She told me if I could push 3 times she could get rid of the rest and I would be fully dilated. Everyone left the room but Brian and I pushed the 3 times. The nurse told me to stop and she left and came back with the delivery cart. I told her "aren't you being a little optimistic?" I have heard most first time moms push for 1-2hrs. She told me the baby was right there and Dr. Sarkenin was right out there at the desk. Although I had the epidural, the pressure you feel is very strong and painful. I wasn't all that aware with the pain and trying to push, but from what Brian said, the doctor pretty much ran into the room and started throwing stuff off the cart and rushed to get ready. I only had to push for 11-15 minutes and at 5:25pm my beautiful little girl was born. The pulled her out and laid her on my chest and I will never forget her opening her eyes and looking at me. I instantly cried and kissed her.

  Paityn did not cry right away, but she was pink and taking shallow breaths. I send Brian to go take pictures and check on her while they delivered the placenta and stitched me up (I had a second degree tear). I kept asking why she wasn't crying and both Christine and Dr. Sarkinen kept telling me to stop being a nurse :) Paityn just needed a little supplemental oxygen and they sucked some bile out of her stomach. Once that was done, she was crying and perfect! Christine, Brian and Dr. Sarkinen were great coaches! Dr. Sarkinen actually was the one who sent me to see Dr. Corfman. I could not have asked for a better labor and delivery experience or a more perfect little girl!!!