5 Months

Wow, I can't believe that I am actually writing that she is 5 months. I know I say this every month, but it is just so amazing how the time does fly. I can remember back to this time last year and just telling people I was pregnant. I was excited, but wary because I was so early. It is amazing how in just a few short months my life would change forever. My mom wrote in a baby shower card something to the effect that my life will never be the same, it will be better than imagined and boy is that so true. It is so amazing the love you have for your child. I knew I would enjoy being a mom and would love my child, but I never thought I would be so absolutely in love with her. I cherish every minute I get to spend with her. Looking back about 5 years, my idea Friday night would be going out and having some drinks. Now don't get me wrong, I still like to have drinks from time to time, but it is amazing how things have changed. My idea of a great Friday night is having a glass of wine and enjoying being with my family. Being with my husband and daughter who I would do anything for! Life really is beautiful!

Look at how she has grown!

 

     I took Paityn to see santa. My friend Maija set us up with the "Santa Experience" at the Mall of America. I am telling you, that is really the way to go. You have to make an appointment way in advance, but by making an appointment you avoid the lines. I just read on facebook that someone took their baby to go see santa and they had to wait in line for 2 hours. With the santa experience, you show up for your appointment and I think we waited about 5 minutes. I know some people have commented that this santa is a little "creepy" (he is, I do have to agree), but he is really good with the kids, especially ones that are toddler age and a little wary. Paityn did fantastic and we got this really great picture!

   We had a really fun time at Mall of America. It was just fun to be pushing Paityn around in the stroller, she was so good!  I met my friend Maija and her two girls there and my friend Erika came with me. Maija and Erika are my two very best friends and we don't get together nearly enough, so it was so fun to get to spend time with these girls. I have talked about my friend Erika's journey with infertility here, and it breaks my heart to know what she is going through. She just did her 4th round of IUI and unfortunately it was unsuccessful. Her and her husband are going to take a little time off as Erika has gotten a promotion and will spend some time focusing on her new job. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I know it is hard for her that we don't hang out as much, but she is a strong woman and an incredible friend! Like I said, time with these two is precious and they are the best friends a girl could ask for.

    After we all saw Santa we attempted to do lunch. Lunch with a 2 1/2 year old, 15month old, and 5month old is a little tough, but we thought if we went to the rainforest cafe it would keep them entertained. 3 adults and 3 highchairs later and it was a salvageable disaster! They liked all the fish and the animals, etc, but about every 10 minutes these 5 large gorillas come to life and move and make noise. The first time it happened, Austin, the 2.5 year old started to cry. Maija picked her up and instantly the 15 month old started to cry. Paityn was tired and hungry so she was crying to. So here are the three of us, each holding a crying child trying to calm them down. You couldn't help but just laugh!!!! They got used to the gorillas and Paityn fell asleep and we were able to eat lunch, but for a minute there I thought we were going to have to just get up and leave!

  I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. I look forward to celebrating Paityn's first Christmas. I know she is blessed and going to get way more toys and clothes than she needs, but it is going to be so much fun. Santa will be visiting our house (I know she is too young to know), but I just love all the magic surrounding Christmas!



Had to add this picture, it is just too cute!  :)



 

So Fun

  I think about updating this blog all the time, but when it comes down to it, I tend to get lazy. I think why not go to bed early, or work on my Christmas cards/shopping, etc. I finally got all (well, almost all) of my Christmas cards done and have made a good dent in my holiday shopping. I have been doing a lot of online shopping this year, which I have never really done before. So far I have been pleased with what I have been getting. Hopefully there won't have to be too many returns, I have a feeling that could get confusing and time consuming, but all and all online shopping has been a good experience!

  I was bummed this year that I couldn't make it to Brian's side of the family's Thanksgiving. I worked the night before Thanksgiving and the night of Thanksgiving. As sad as it is that I don't get to see everyone, I do like to make the double time :) I also missed their annual bread tradition too since I worked the weekend before Thanksgiving. I always really enjoy going to breads. What breads consists of is all the women from Brian's side of the family get together and make banana bread, cherry bread, cranberry bread etc. This has been a tradition from Brian's grandma and they have carried it on even since she has passed. It is such a fun time to drink some wine, catch up and just chat. I love getting together with all of those ladies, they are so fun. Luckily I will be able to make it to some of the Christmas festivities this year so I will get a chance to see everyone. Paityn did go with Brian to his family's Thanksgiving, but it was during her nap time and I told she was rather fussy. Brian was kind enough to take her over to my parent's house for Thanksgiving evening where I stopped by before work. I basically ate and ran, but it was great to get some good food and see my family, if just for a bit. We did get a good family pic minus my scrubs :)

   We got a new Christmas tree this year (I am not even going to tell you how much we paid because it is ridiculous). Our old tree was coming apart and with the animals we don't do real trees. We ended up getting a pre-lit tree (thank goodness since lights take me forever) and it looks really nice. Paityn really enjoys looking at all the lights. I did snap a few pictures of her under the tree.

   She is at such a fun age right now. The smiles and laughs just keep on coming! She also does a lot of talking. I think she must like to hear the sound of her voice because she talks a lot and she is LOUD! She talks to us, to the dog, to herself! She has also in the past week or so started to squeal. It is so funny because sometimes I think she even surprises herself with how loud it is. Just in the past week I have notice how much she is looking at things and trying to grab at things so much more. She is now becoming very interested in her toys (well, to eat that is). If I hold something out for her she will almost always try to grab it. A few weeks ago I know she could try and grab it, but she was just not that interested. Now she is grabbing for toys and if I set a toy down will follow it and try to grab it.  I don't know what it is about that stupid Sophie giraffe but babies sure do love it! She has also done a lot more sitting up lately. She has always preferred to lay on her back in the gym and grab for toys that way. Now, she is doing a lot more sitting up in the bumpo, jumperoo, and exersaucer and she is content. In fact, she is doing so much sitting up we went through 3 different outfits today from poop explosions! She is getting better with tummy time even though she is not a fan. Most of the time she just rolls right out of it onto her back. She is constantly moving, but still hasn't rolled from back to front. Maybe no motivation. She will probably crawl and sit before she does that :)

 She has been a big eater lately. We went from eating about 3 ounces ever 3 hours to getting 5 ounces ever 3 hours. She is still getting up once in the middle of the night anywhere from 12-4, but usually falls back to sleep after her bottle and gets up for the day around 6-6:30. She seems to be most content right away in the morning and around noon. We decided to add a little bit of oatmeal to her diet. The doctor said to add some around 5 months and she will be 5 months on the 12th. The verdict is still out where or not she likes it. We feed her about half a tablespoon (right now that is all she is interested in) right before bed around 7pm and then follow it with a bottle. Sometimes I feel like she is too tired to be interested and gets crabby, but I know it is supposed to help them sleep better if given at bedtime. I don't want to give it too early and have her feel full and her not want her bottle, because that is the most important source of food. We are just taking it slow and when she is interested in more, we will give her more. I don't think we will start to add other baby food until she is closer to 6 months as I know their digestive systems is not always ready for it before then. I am not going to lie, it is fun to feed and watch her eat! We did snap a few good pictures of her trying the oatmeal for the first time.

Where has the time gone?!

   I can't believe Paityn is already 4 months old. Where has the time gone? I thought I was really going to miss her as a newborn. Everyone says "remember the newborn cry." She was very cute as a newborn and I loved it, but to be honest, it has been so much fun watching her grow! She is just at such a fun stage now. She smiles ALL THE TIME! She smiles when she sees us, she laughs, and she has her own personality starting to show. She is becoming more predictable and I feel like I can not only anticipate her needs, but I know how to soothe them too! I think we are both becoming more confident in each other! She really is the light of our life!

  I took Paityn to her 4 month appointment on Monday. She really did pretty good. I feel bad that she has to get shots, but I know they are for her own good so it doesn't bother me too much. She was a little more tired and fussy for a couple of days, but is now back to herself. She has grown like a weed too! She is now 14lbs 11.5 oz, which is about a 3lb gain from her 2 month appointment. That puts her in the 50-75% for weight. She has also almost grown 3 inches and is now 25" long. Her height is in the 75%. No wonder her 6 month pajamas are getting a little snug! I told the doctor my concerns about her still only eating 3-4oz at a time, but he says clearly she is growing well and maybe that is all the calories she needs. We did get the okay to start some cereal in about a month. Brian and I are SO excited to start her on that. I think it is going to be so much fun watching her eat and/or her wearing her food! We go to Partner in Pediatrics for her clinic and they really do a nice job there. They always give a ton of information about what to expect for her growth and development and a ton of other helpful handouts. We are switching from the Maple Grove clinic to the Brooklyn Park one strictly to convenience, but I have liked this Dr.Bach we have seen. He made note of how "busy" she was! I also discussed with Dr. Bach about her still needing to be swaddled and her eating in the middle of the night. Both things he thought were fine and she will grow out of. I told him about her not wanting to nap in the crib. He says do whatever works for you, but eventually she will have to learn. I do agree with him, I will eventually let her "learn," but for now I like it the way it is. I talked to with my friend Maija about "sleep training." There are all these different methods (i.e. let the child cry it out, the no cry method, etc.). At this point, I don't feel comfortable letting her "cry it out." I feel like when she is old enough to know she just doesn't want to go down, that is a different story, but at 4 months she is still learning to trust us. Some people may disagree, but that is what I feel most comfortable with. As far as naps, I have been trying to put her in the crib at the end of the nap. When I do it for the beginning she only sleeps for about 30 minutes and then is crabby. By doing it at the end, the 30 minutes are no big deal and she is getting used to the crib. And to be completely honest, I LOVE napping with her. I LOVE having mommy-daughter cuddle time!

 I never know how the pictures are going to turn out until I get them on the computer. She is always moving so a lot of times they are blurry, color is bad, etc. I have to say, I LOVE how these pictures turned out! I really thought I didn't have one good one and I got them on the computer and was so surprised to see how cute they are! I also got a few more pictures on here from my camera from Halloween. 

She reminds me of the Mushroom from Mario Brothers



Has it been that long?

Paityns 1st Halloween

I can't believe my last post was her 3 month post. Has it been that long? In 8 days, Paityn is already going to be 4 months! I have been super busy since going back to work. Although I only work 5 shifts in 2 weeks, those days that I am gone are so long. I feel like I have so much catching up to do with seeing Paityn, Brian, and doing the house work. I think the hardest is when I work the 5 shifts in one week. I did that for the first time starting Halloween weekend I know I was really stressed and on edge. I think the day that really got to me was Halloween. Brian was going to be home late from work and I had to leave for work, so my in-laws were to come over in the interim. Brian did get home in time, but right as he was getting home, my in-laws came over. I didn't get a chance to really talk to Brian before I had to leave. My mother-in-law came right in and started picking up my house. She had also brought candy over since she was not going to be handing it out at her house. I started to become very depressed. I told my husband, I almost feel lost. I know Paityn is very loved and that is a blessing. Both grandmothers know how to take care of her exceptionally well, but it makes me feel like, what does she need me for? I am the mom and on Halloween it is my in-laws that are going to be dressing her up, taking pictures by the pumpkins, and handing out candy. I wanted to be there, I wanted to do that! I know this feeling is irrational, and I know I need to "get over it," but I truly want to cherish every moment with her. Brian says I need to stop focusing on how hard it was to get pregnant and focus on Paityn here and now. I know that is true, but it is so hard. I am so glad I ran across this blog a few months ago (I have mentioned it before, it is called Teach Me How to Braid). The most recent blog post (no whining) by Emily came at the perfect time - you can read it here - she talks about why us infertility moms are so hard on ourselves and that we need to realize that although we want to be, we can't be perfect. I need to let go of some control and just be thankful! The problem is that I love my family so much and just want to soak up every minute together - no amount of time could ever be enough!
   Although I didn't get to celebrate Halloween with my family, we did have a little fun at work and I did get some pictures of my little girl. I was able to borrow my friend, Maija's daughter's costume. It worked perfect! I have some more pictures on my camera, but here are some ones I had taken with my phone.

Our Mustaches!

Brian and my creations!



The shirt says "Daddy is under my spell"



 

  Paityn has been been really grabbing at things lately. She is just now starting to grab at a toy and bring it to her mouth. She does really like chewing on her "Sophie." Her favorite spot is still in her gym. I have attached to the toys some rings with teethers at the base. She loves to grab for the rings and chew on them! She still sucks on her pacifier and fists. She has not quite yet found her feet, but she loves to kick. Brian and I really had fun with her tonight. We gave Paityn a bath and took out the newborn insert in the baby tub. She is now sitting lower and can splash the water with her feet. Brian was cleaning the hairdryer and had removed the back part that collects dust. Brian started to blow the dust out and Paityn just started to laugh. We have heard little giggles, but never a real laugh from her. We both looked at each other and he did it again. She continued to laugh at him doing this for about 3-4 minutes. It was so much fun to see her smile and laugh out loud! It came as such a shock! Who would have thought that would make her laugh!! We should have grabbed the video camera. Hopefully we can get her to do it again and get it on tape!



  My friend, Erika, who is currently undergoing her infertility treatments will find out on Friday if the latest round of IUI worked for her. I pray for it to be successful and for continued strength as she continues this journey (I hope she has good news to share). I found this picture on facebook and immediately thought of her. I think it is so beautiful.

 



I think this is important for EVERYONE to remember.



   I know it is really hard for her as her two best friends now have kids. Not only is she going through infertility, but her friends are a lot busier and not around as much. I feel so bad! I want to talk to her more, to see her more, but things are just so crazy. I hope she knows how much I value our friendship and think of her often. I know the older Paityn gets the easier it will be to get together and I know she understand that too. I feel so blessed to have have such amazing friends! And a special Congrats to my friend Steph who got married this Saturday. I was so honored to be her personal attendant for her wedding! I am glad she has found true happiness!



3 Months

 I can't believe my sweet girl is already 3 months old. She is old enough that I can stop telling people how many weeks she is and instead just say "3 months." It is amazing how different she looks already! I was just telling Brian that she has gotten so big that the cat feels light when I pick her up (cat is 9.9lbs). It wasn't long ago that Bella felt like a whale compared to Paityn. She is getting fatter and more wrinkles everyday - just the way we like it! Although she still likes to be cuddled, she is staring to prefer being held facing out so she can see the world. She smiles ALL the time! I still have not heard a true laugh or squeal, but I am looking forward to it soon! Her grasp has gotten very strong and although she doesn't grab for things yet, when she gets a hold of an item, she does move it around. She is still not sleeping through the night - she gets up around 1-2am and 5, but much improved from those first early weeks! We just have so much fun with her!

    I went back to work this week and although it was tough leaving her, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. There is no doubt I would rather spend the time with my family, but if I HAVE to work, I do have a pretty awesome job! I love my co-workers and it has been so good to see everyone! I actually put a picture of her on my badge and love to show her off - yes, I have become THAT mom!!! Although I am gone for long periods of time, it does actually go by fast. I am usually so busy at work I don't have time to sit and worry! It hasn't been that hard getting back into the swing of things either. I do still feel a little "out of the loop," but it is sort of like riding a bike. I have not had a lot of difficult patients yet, but just getting back into the swing of being a nurse has been good. Now tomorrow may be a little different as I will have to take the reigns as charge nurse, but I will just do my best and make something up :). I think I also feel more comfortable working, because Brian is becoming more comfortable with taking care of Paityn on his own. He is an amazing dad, but I wasn't sure how he would do with getting up in the middle of the night. The more he does it, the more confident he becomes and it is so fun to watch him with her!

    My friend Erika has started her IUI treatments again after a little break. She has started a blog of her own and you can check it out - it is listed as one of my blogs I follow called Faith Hope Love. I really wish no one had to take the infertility journey, but in the end it is worth every minute. I would love to someday become an advocate for insurance companies paying at least some money for invitro. As it stands now, most insurances pay about 80% of IUI procedures and nothing for invitro. I look at Paityn and think, without this technology, she would not be here and I could not imagine life without her. Fortunately we could afford this procedure, but many people don't have that ability. I read a good article online about IVF becoming more affordable - you can read it here. Due to the cost of IVF, Paityn will be our only child. We cannot afford to do another procedure and unless we miraculously conceive on our own, we won't be doing another round. That is really okay with us - she is our world and we couldn't ask for anything more. Of course I would LOVE to have more children - being a mom is the best, but until IVF becomes significantly cheaper or insurance helps cover the cost - Paityn is it! I feel so bad for the families that, due to financial constraints of IVF, will never get to have the most wonderful experience of being a parent! It is just not fair!

Ugh, the day is here

How can I leave that face?? :(

    If you have read any of my blog, you know that I have been dreading the day I go back to work. Tomorrow at this time I will be back at good old North Memorial. I am know I am lucky to have a job that allows me to not work everyday. I know, as a nurse, in the long run I will have a lot more time with Paityn. The thing that is the hardest for me is that I work 12.5 hr shifts which means I will be gone for about 14 hrs total and when I do shifts, I often do them back to back. I will have gone from seeing my sweet little girl all the time to when I am working, only a few hours a day for up to 3 days in a row. That transition is going to be very hard for me. I NEVER thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, but now I am thinking staying home until she goes to school would have been really nice! I have had one meltdown and cried several times. I know tomorrow is going to be hard, but I will get through it. I had a nice lunch with my friends today and they were very kind, caring, and understanding which was really nice. I also know she will be in good hands. My mom is going to be watching her and loves her to death, I just want to be the one there!

    I am not only sad about leaving Paityn, but I am nervous to go back to work for other reasons. Nursing is very much a skill and working in the trauma neuro intensive care, it is very intense and you have to be on top of things at all times. I have not practiced these skills in about 14 weeks, I will be rusty. It is going to take awhile to get back into the swing of things and sometimes, that time is just not available. The other part I know is going to be hard, and I know this is harsh, but sometimes being a nurse is not so rewarding. People don't appreciate the work you do, they yell at you, etc. I am going to have a VERY hard time being kind and compassionate to these ungrateful people especially when I know I could be home and happy with my beautiful family! Oh well, it is just 12 hours and I know I come home to something much better!

  Brian has not had a lot of alone time with Paityn and he has not gotten up in the middle of the night with her (by my choice). I know and feel confident that he is capable with his daughter, but I know it will be a hard transition for him too. Good thing I don't work every night! A lot of people have asked me if now that I have a daughter if I will stay on nights. I do nights for many reasons: there is a lot less drama at work with families, bosses, doctors, and staff, we get free parking at night, our shift differential is $4/hr more, we get a bonus of 32 free hours every year, and I can work less. I figure, if I can work less and make the same amount of money, why not - plus I can do it. Some people just can't physically do night shift. Straight days are not an option so I if I rotated I would have to do do about 40% nights without all the added bonuses.

  This past weekend we went to Brian's cousin Chris' wedding. Chris is such a sweetheart and has a daughter of his own who is 3. Chris has always kind of been a ladies man, but he met a wonderful girl Gina and they are so great together. They really make a beautiful couple and it was an amazing wedding. The wedding was held in Duluth so we took a little road trip up there. We made it a day trip since we did not have anyone to watch Zoe. She only fussed for about 15-20 minutes on the way up there and we did have to stop once on the way home, but overall did very well on the car ride. Chris had not met Paityn yet and it was so sweet, when they were saying "hello" he gave her a kiss. Brian and Chris were talking, and always the jokester that Chris is he says" you love them, but don't you wish you could just pick them up from the factory at (age) 3?" The wedding was so fun and it was great to see his whole family (it doesn't happen nearly enough). I wish we could have stayed longer. Here are a few pictures from the wedding:

Chris and Gina's first dance...she looked AMAZING!



The Hime family :)



Uncle Ron holding Paityn,,,I wish she wasn't blurry :(







Clearly someone was all partied out!



  The other day I went for a run. Brian has always loved to cuddle (not me so much which is weird), but his favorite thing to do is cuddle Paityn. He had put some daddy songs on (when I left it was 'My Little Girl' by Tim McGraw and when I returned home it was 'Butterfly Kisses') and was slow dancing with her and crying (well not the whole time, but there were tears when I left). That little girls is just wrapped around his little finger, well both of ours actually. I asked him if he thought he would love a little boy as much and he said "probably not." I can't believe the love that she was brought us!



Apple Orchard

I have been looking forward to taking Paityn to an apple orchard. I have great memories of going with my mom and grandma every year as a child. I love the whole fall atmosphere, picking apples, pumpkins, etc. Brian, Paityn, and I, along with our friends Scott and Julie and their girls, went to Apple Jack's Orchard in Delano last Saturday. I had the cutest little outfit on Paityn and was all ready to take some great pictures, but the weather got in the way. Don't get me wrong, I loved that it was hot out, but it didn't work with my outfit. My mom got Paityn a onesie that says "daddy is under my spell" with a little black tutu and orange and black pant with stripes. Only about a half hour into the outing the pants and headband were off and she was just wearing her onesie and sweating that! Oh well, we had a good time and maybe in a few weeks we can try again to get good pictures. Here are a few that we got:



Paityn's pants that we had to take off



Her first pumpkin

Won't be long before she can eat the carmel apple - mom had it instead :)



Scott and Julie's daughter Isabelle

    Paityn has been growing like a weed. She has already outgrown over half of her 3 month pajamas. She is not even 3 months old yet! She doesn't seem to be that long, but she must be because the pajamas are stretched to the limit. I had to crack out the 6 month pajamas to get washed! The other night when we had a bath I noticed that her toe looked weird. Upon closer inspection Brian and I found that a hair (probably mine) somehow got wrapped around her little toe and actually cut into the skin. With a tweezers we were able to get it loose and off, but her toe did take a few days to heal. Brian looked it up online and it is rare, but does happen. I felt horrible - poor little girl :(

  I heard some wonderful news today that a friend of mine who I have previously blogged about here got word that she is now in remission! I am so happy for her and her family. She fought quite the battle and did with grace and elegance. I am glad she can move past her cancer and start working on a family that she so desperately wants. Her and her husband are such a loving couple and will make the most wonderful parents!

  Through facebook today I can across another blog of someone who dealt with infertility. I don't know her personally, but her blog was very interesting and quite touching. If  anyone is interested  the link is here.

  I was rocking Paityn today and started to cry. I just don't know how we got so lucky to have this beautiful little girl. God has really blessed us! She is Brian and my world and I just couldn't imagine not having the opportunity to be her mom. It really is the most wonderful thing!