1 week down

It is memorial day today and I wish the weather was better. Not going to lie, kind of sick of all this rain and cold. I did get to catch Bridesmaids and Hangover II this weekend which were both super funny! Highly recommend both of them!

I am a week out from IUI today. Everything went well (as it has in the past) and I got a massage and had lunch at bennihana afterwards so that was a nice treat. I am trying to stay positive, but not get my hopes up. I do still have two more rounds if this try does not work and then on to invitro. Brian's friends came over this weekend and they brought their baby Isabelle. She was so cute and has gotten so big. She is about year and crawling everywhere!!! She loved the dog too! A very happy baby! There has been a lot of friends on facebook that have recently had babies and I am very happy for them! Off to get more laundry done!

Hopeful

I never blogged after my baseline U/S. I was very nervous and not sure what to expect. When I went in, it showed that I still have a cyst on my left side, but it was slightly smaller and "more solid." The nurse at the time couldn't tell me if that would cause me to wait another month and sent with birth control and the directions that they would call later after they talked to the doctor (he was in N.Dakota helping patients). I cried and called Brian. For most people, another month of birth control is no big deal, I was bummed. It would mean another month of waiting, but it wasn't the end of the world. However, I just want a baby and I have wanted a baby for several years -whether we waited due to Brian being laid off and then infertility, it has been awhile. It is hard when you are trying for baby to be put on birth control because at that point, there is NO chance that month you can get pregnant. All my worrying was relieved a couple of hours later when I got the call that the plan was to "go ahead with treatment this cycle." SO HAPPY!

Yesterday I had my U/S to check and see if I made any follicles. I did! I feel very hopeful!!! I was worried they would have to come in Sunday (they are on-call) and the nurse looked at me in the eye and said "If I was trying to get pregnant, I would want someone to do that for me. I am on-call this weekend and I don't mind at all so don't worry about it." It almost made me cry. They are SOOOOOO nice there it is unbelievable! I will do IUI on Monday and have a massage scheduled for afterwards that I am really looking forward to!

Waiting

So, riddle me this, how is it that every month I hope NOT to get my period, but this month I can't WAIT? HAHAH. Just finishing up my birth control which means once I get my period I can have an ultrasound to see how my cyst is doing and then HOPEFULLY restart this whole process. I hope all those moms out there had a wonderful mother's day. Not going to lie, felt a little broken reading this post on a lot of peoples FB status'

"I've carried a child within my body. Slept with a baby on my chest. I've kissed boo boos and mended broken hearts. I've been puked on, peed on, pooped on and spent sleepless nights in a rocking chair, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My body isn't magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror I see a MOM, and there is no greater honor or blessing!!"

It is a very beautiful quote, I just wish I could say it....well, I guess I can say that I have been puked on, pooped on, and peed on and my body isn't magazine perfect. On a more positive note, I had a great time enjoying wine and drinks at Em's bachelorette party!!! Looking forward to doing some gardening on this wonderful, sunny day!!!!!

Sweet Surprise

I got a really sweet surprise in the mail last Friday. I got a card in the mail from someone unexpected and it was so thoughtful and uplifting that it really made my day.

Let me share the story about this person. It is amazing the support you get from people who have experienced fertility difficulties. My best friend's fiance's sister (are you still following???) has been married to her husband for many years. They are both successful, wonderful people. I have only met her a few times, but the stories I hear from my best friend and her fiance, you know they are just amazing. This couple has been experiencing issues with infertility. H (not sure if she wants me to use her name) is 32, I believe. H and her husband have been struggling with infertility for a few years. H did finally get pregnant in 2010 and everyone was overjoyed. Unfortunately, this couple, who had difficulties with even getting pregnant, unexpectedly lost their baby boy at 23 weeks. They are in the process of trying again and the strength that this couple has had is beyond amazing and inspiring. In the card H sent me, she enclosed a prayer that I wanted to share because it is so beautiful.

Prayer for Motherhood
O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, wonderful worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will. Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

I can't thank her enough for her kindness and am really looking forward to the day when we hear she is pregnant again!

"The talk"

Brian and I had an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist yesterday to have "the talk." The talk referrers to what are we going to do if the IUI procedures don't work. At this point, I have 3 left to try. There are many reasons that I would hope the IUI works. First and foremost, the cost. At this point, my insurance is paying for 80% if IUI which is very helpful!!! If were were to turn to invitro, insurance would pay for ZERO!!!! Invitro is also much more expensive. The other reason I want IUI to work is because I am selfish. I would really love to have more than one child (if possible). If IUI does not work, insurance will never pay for another go round. So in 3 years, if we decide we want to try it again, it is all on us. If IUI does work, then the insurance resets and will give you another 6 attempts to try and have another child. The doctor did sound optimistic and the percent of women < 35 that get pregnant with IUI is 65%. He said I am making eggs and meeting short term goals so he remains hopeful - that made us feel good!! He also said that this month of birth control was really good for me and it just helps me start fresh and sometimes actually produce healthier eggs when I go off of it.

We did talk invitro. Obviously if IUI does not work we will go for invitro. An average cycle of invitro with medications cost around $16,000. Luckily we have a savings account that would allow us to do this. Here is the selfish part, because it is so expensive, we only have the money to do it once. The success rate is 68% with a 60% chance of multiples. Also, if you have extra eggs, they can freeze them and that only costs $4500 to implant and that success rate is 40%. Again, I am really hoping we don't have to go this route, but if that is what has to happen we will do it and be ecstatic!

I know Brian and I felt relieved after talking to him and felt hopeful. We were originally going to do a different program for invitro, but he basically said it was a waste of money and told us to do research. Looks like if IUI does not work we would be doing invitro in Sept. or Nov. Here's to keeping the faith!

Benched

Ugh! Another setback. I have been benched. After every cycle they do a baseline ultrasound. The reason for this is to see if any residual cysts are present. So far I have been in the clear, NOT today. Apparently I have a large residual cyst on my left ovary. This is not uncommon and for some people it happens after every cycle, but it is just a bummer. What the cyst means is that I have to sit this cycle out. Instead of continuing on with my fertility meds, I will be taking a month of birth control. Apparently the birth control "quiets" the ovaries so they are not overstimulated. This allows your body to have a rest period and can start fresh with the next cycle. It is not the worst thing in the world, but it is frustrating and is kind of a bummer. I have been wanting to get pregnant for two years, and it is a hurry up and wait. PATIENCE is a virtue! I do have to say thank goodness for the nurses at the clinic. They are really supportive and always take the extra time to talk if you need it. I guess on a positive note I will be able to enjoy Emily's bachelorette party.

Deflated

Another negative. This is three in a row which means I only have three more shots at IUI. I was pretty sure I was going to get my period, but I still hold on to the glimmer of hope and in an instant it is dashed. Brian asked "you knew you were going to get it, why are you crying." Because I was hoping..... Brian did say something that made me smile. We have been stressed with this and our dog who has had outbreaks of hives. Brian said, "you knew we were stressed, it would have been a miracle if you got pregnant." I replied "We could use one of those right now." His response "we get one everyday. Everything is going good for us except this. We are happy and healthy." I do agree with him and wish I wouldn't have a pity party for myself because it is true. Time to hold my head up high, take a nap before work, and get ready for this next round.