Tomorrow it starts....

 Today is the last day before I start my stimulation meds. Once they start, I have a feeling everything will start to go quick as I will have ultrasounds and blood draws frequently. I am excited, but am just going to take it one day at a time - it seems to work best that way. To get all of my medications, they give us a list of pharmacies and we do our own price comparison. I actually found a pharmacy in MN - Fairview specialty pharmacy in MPLS that specializes in fertility medications and they were awesome to work with. Not to mention, they were the cheapest! I finally got all of my medications in three different shipments. The total, a meer $3,000 and that is if no refills are needed  :)

When I open the first package Brian goes "holy crap, that is all for you?" I told him it would be intense, but it will be worth it in end. I will start with just once injection twice a day for the first three days, then it changes to two to three injections twice a day - not too bad, but I am lucky I am a nurse. I can see how it would get very confusing to those not in the medical field.

 I was watching The Little Couple show on TLC the other day. It is such a cute show about these to "midgets" and their day to day life. This couple has also been trying to conceive a child and because of her stature they are using a surrogate. I have not followed too closely, but I know she had trouble stimulating and they finally have two embryos. However, what I thought was most touching was they did a question and answer from the audience. One of the questions was "if you could, would you choose to stay little or be average height." Their answer was they would not change a thing because then they would probably not have found each other. Tears started coming to my eyes...this couple has so many struggles in their day to day life, but they are so happy in love. I feel the same way about Brian. If I can't have a child, I wouldn't change a thing because I am so in love with Brian and I know he is incredibly in love with me! We are certainly lucky and blessed!

It's been awhile

 It has been awhile since I last made an entry. To be honest, there was not a lot to blog about. Since I have last blogged, we have been approved for the VIP program, took my last birth control today, and paid a large sum of money for invitro.

  Before I blog about myself, I want to take a minute to talk about a friend of mine. We were childhood friends who went to the same daycare. We re-connected through facebook and ultimately through the frustrations of infertility together. In August, this friend, at 27 years old and healthy, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. She is currently undergoing chemo and is doing great. Hodgkin's lymphoma has a success rate of 90% with treatment and with her being young and healthy, things look wonderful for her. She is a fighter with a great heart and attitude and I KNOW she will beat this. My heart goes out to her and her family. If you get a chance, check out her blog, she is inspirational!

                                          http://stephaniemadson.blogspot.com/


  I can no longer complain about not having a child. Although both Brian and I would love to have a child of our own, if we can't I know we will get by with the two of us and be happy! We are blessed beyond belief and asking for more just seems wrong.

  I am not sure if I addressed the VIP program before. Basically, what the VIP program is allowing us to do is to buy and "insurance policy." We are paying more up front and if I get pregnant the first time we will actually be paying more than if we just did it one time, but what does it matter if we have our precious child? This program allows us to try IVF up to three times in a year's time. If it does not result in a birth of a baby,  we get 90% of our money back. I am anxious and excited to start, but just taking it one day at a time. First you have to respond to the medications to stimulate, then you have to have a successful extraction, they have to fertilize, and then re-implant into you. There are a lot of steps that could go wrong, so taking it one day at a time is how I am getting by! Tomorrow I start a new drug called Norethindrone. This drug is a progesterone based drug that I will take for 16 days. It will thin and shed my lining and it gets me prepared to start the stimulation medications. Those will begin on the 30th of October. I have a class on Tuesday that will better help me determine the pharmacy to use and how the medications will be administered. For now, I am just happy to be done with birth control! Yay, onto the next step!

I like this cartoon for what the description said.......CHICKEN DISAPPOINTED BY EMPTY NEST. I had a feeling I was getting my period soon and I had to work that night. The last thing I wanted was to find out at work, so I took a pregnancy test on Thursday morning. It was negative. I am glad I did because in the wee morning hours of work, Aunt flow came and there is no way I could deal with that news at work. I wish I could say I took it like a champ, I picked myself up and carried on with my day. No, I cried, and cried and cried. That type of cry where you can barely breath, snot running down your nose and unable to even console yourself.

We will try invitro in November, and although the percentages of people getting pregnant from it are good, my mind has been going. What if we spend all this money and it doesn't work? What if I get pregnant only to miscarry? All of these questions can't be answered, only predicted. I have decided to stop reading success stories of people that have IVF. They are wonderful to hear, but some of these people have tried IVF 3 or more times and frankly, we just don't have the money for that. I am really going to start trying to live my life based on FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE. Have faith and hope everyday that someday I will be a mommy, faith that God will pull me through and give me strength for all of this, and Love with my whole heart my husband, family, and friends. I can't imagine life without being a mom, but I may have to start accepting that reality sooner than later.

I am probably not going to be blogging for awhile since not a whole lot will be happening in the next few months. I have a few test that need to be run before November to get me ready for IVF, but until the end of October I will be on birth control to calm my ovaries and get them ready for the assault they will be under with all the reproductive medications. I will start the medications at the end of October and from there we go with how they eggs are growing. Of course when that process starts I will start blogging more. If I do get pregnant, I want my little one to know how much they were wanted and how loved they were even before they were born!

I have quite a few friends who are still tyring to get pregnant and I am going to be rooting them on every step of the way! My other friend is due to have number 2 in September. Her first will be 14 months old so I will hopefully be over there helping her out and playing with those sweet little girls!

Hope

I have meant to write a blog after my Ultrasound and then after my IUI. I was just not feeling it. I have come to realize that it doesn't matter how many follicles or their size can really predict when you get pregnant. I have had the "ideal" size and number before but it didn't happen. So, who knows......

Here's hoping this:

happened on my last treatment and will lead to this:

I am going to be honest, I am really happy for IUI to finally be done!!! Although I still have to wait about 2 more weeks to see if it worked, I am glad we are done. I never imagined how stressful they could be! I would say mostly stressful because of the roller coaster of emotions. Getting you period.....sadness, hurt, fear - lasts a day or two, then turns into excitement to try again. Then you start to get hopeful while taking your drugs and waiting for the ultrasound. Every time I have responded and have gotten very hopeful. The wait is excruciating....you analyze ever symptom, twing/twant inside your body. Well, I am on the home stretch! If this doesn't work, we will go ahead with invitro in November and hope with all of our hearts it works!

It's been awhile

It has been awhile since I have sat down and written a blog. This has been for a few reasons. 1. I had nothing to write about. I just fininshed my month of birth control and am ready to start again. 2. I am starting to get the feeling of losing hope. As much as I would like to put on a brave front, the possibility of not becoming a mother is becoming more real everyday and I am trying to deal with that. 3. These posts are starting to get depressing and really, not sure that it is helping anyone reading this thing.

As of the past week, I feel like facebook has erupted with people announcing their pregnancies. While I am very happy for all these people, I often start thinking, "when will it be my turn." I am sick of telling my sob story. We have made a decision of what our plan is. Currently I am taking my fertility pills for my 6th and final round of IUI. I can't tell even express how happy I am to have this be done with!!!! Since I miss out of the September invitro session, I will get in with the November group. The doctor said that if that doesn't work and there are extra embryos to freeze we can do what is called a frozen embryo transfer (not sure when the timing) would be and see if that works. If that doesn't work, we are done. I will just have to be okay with the fact I am only going to be "mom" to my animals. I know with time not being a mom will be okay with me, but it is hard when that is a common question at work, especially from patients, "do you have any kids." Luckily, I love my husband with all my heart and if it is just him and I growing old together, then we are very lucky people!

No news.....is NOT good news

So, the whole picture did not come through, but it is an olive in a martini glass and I guess that is kind of the way I felt last Wednesday. No news is not always good news. I have been putting off writing this post, mostly because I have nothing positive to say.

I got my period on Wednesday of last week. I don't know what it was, but I think it hit me there that things were really not looking good. I have tried for so long to stay positive and keep hope, but that day I faltered. I cried and cried and cried. To make matters worse, I DO have a cyst on my right ovary which requires birth control this month - which rules out September invitro. Brian and I made the decision to go for the last round of IUI. Not because we think it is going to work, but because we feel that we should do everything that insurance will pay for - to say we tried everything and it failed.

As of now the plan is for invitro in November. I am scared, it is a lot of money. I am scared it won't work, what if I miscarry? We are trying to decide if we should spend the extra money and pay for the 3 guaranteed rounds. He said it was a waste, that I was healthy and the chances were so good, but he can't tell me I will miscarry - who knows. All questions I have to ask him in our consult before invitro.

As I sit here and write this I wonder if I should just let it go. Be happy with what I have and just be okay with that. A deer hit my car yesterday - it came out of nowhere on a freeway none the less. It just barely clipped my bumper, but had me thinking, I could have died if was a few seconds faster. The speed limit is 65 which leaves little time for reaction, not to mention there are off ramps, and on ramps all around. Was that trying to tell me to just be happy with my life that I am alive? Don't get me wrong, if I can't have kids, I will be happy with my life, I am happy with my life - I don't need children to make me happy, I just really want them. Okay, sorry for the rant. This is why I have been putting it off. I am so happy it is summer and I can just enjoy every day!

Some Songs

I have found a new song that I LOVE. Acutally, Brian was listening to this song and at the last verse he said, that is going to be us. I cry everytime I hear this song, hits so close to home. The song is by Jason Aldean and it is called Laughed Until We Cried. The whole song is great by especially the last lyrics which go as follows........

Just the other night the baby was cryin'

So I got out of bed and rocked her awhile and I held her tight

And I told her it would be alright

My mind went back to a few years ago

We tried so long, we almost gave up hope

And I remember you comin' in and telling me the news

Oh man we were living, going crazy in the kitchen

We danced and screamed and held eachother tight

We laughed until we cried

You can hear the rest of the song and watch the video here:

http://youtu.be/QNLiNJUsleA