Where has the time gone?!

   I can't believe Paityn is already 4 months old. Where has the time gone? I thought I was really going to miss her as a newborn. Everyone says "remember the newborn cry." She was very cute as a newborn and I loved it, but to be honest, it has been so much fun watching her grow! She is just at such a fun stage now. She smiles ALL THE TIME! She smiles when she sees us, she laughs, and she has her own personality starting to show. She is becoming more predictable and I feel like I can not only anticipate her needs, but I know how to soothe them too! I think we are both becoming more confident in each other! She really is the light of our life!

  I took Paityn to her 4 month appointment on Monday. She really did pretty good. I feel bad that she has to get shots, but I know they are for her own good so it doesn't bother me too much. She was a little more tired and fussy for a couple of days, but is now back to herself. She has grown like a weed too! She is now 14lbs 11.5 oz, which is about a 3lb gain from her 2 month appointment. That puts her in the 50-75% for weight. She has also almost grown 3 inches and is now 25" long. Her height is in the 75%. No wonder her 6 month pajamas are getting a little snug! I told the doctor my concerns about her still only eating 3-4oz at a time, but he says clearly she is growing well and maybe that is all the calories she needs. We did get the okay to start some cereal in about a month. Brian and I are SO excited to start her on that. I think it is going to be so much fun watching her eat and/or her wearing her food! We go to Partner in Pediatrics for her clinic and they really do a nice job there. They always give a ton of information about what to expect for her growth and development and a ton of other helpful handouts. We are switching from the Maple Grove clinic to the Brooklyn Park one strictly to convenience, but I have liked this Dr.Bach we have seen. He made note of how "busy" she was! I also discussed with Dr. Bach about her still needing to be swaddled and her eating in the middle of the night. Both things he thought were fine and she will grow out of. I told him about her not wanting to nap in the crib. He says do whatever works for you, but eventually she will have to learn. I do agree with him, I will eventually let her "learn," but for now I like it the way it is. I talked to with my friend Maija about "sleep training." There are all these different methods (i.e. let the child cry it out, the no cry method, etc.). At this point, I don't feel comfortable letting her "cry it out." I feel like when she is old enough to know she just doesn't want to go down, that is a different story, but at 4 months she is still learning to trust us. Some people may disagree, but that is what I feel most comfortable with. As far as naps, I have been trying to put her in the crib at the end of the nap. When I do it for the beginning she only sleeps for about 30 minutes and then is crabby. By doing it at the end, the 30 minutes are no big deal and she is getting used to the crib. And to be completely honest, I LOVE napping with her. I LOVE having mommy-daughter cuddle time!

 I never know how the pictures are going to turn out until I get them on the computer. She is always moving so a lot of times they are blurry, color is bad, etc. I have to say, I LOVE how these pictures turned out! I really thought I didn't have one good one and I got them on the computer and was so surprised to see how cute they are! I also got a few more pictures on here from my camera from Halloween. 

She reminds me of the Mushroom from Mario Brothers



Has it been that long?

Paityns 1st Halloween

I can't believe my last post was her 3 month post. Has it been that long? In 8 days, Paityn is already going to be 4 months! I have been super busy since going back to work. Although I only work 5 shifts in 2 weeks, those days that I am gone are so long. I feel like I have so much catching up to do with seeing Paityn, Brian, and doing the house work. I think the hardest is when I work the 5 shifts in one week. I did that for the first time starting Halloween weekend I know I was really stressed and on edge. I think the day that really got to me was Halloween. Brian was going to be home late from work and I had to leave for work, so my in-laws were to come over in the interim. Brian did get home in time, but right as he was getting home, my in-laws came over. I didn't get a chance to really talk to Brian before I had to leave. My mother-in-law came right in and started picking up my house. She had also brought candy over since she was not going to be handing it out at her house. I started to become very depressed. I told my husband, I almost feel lost. I know Paityn is very loved and that is a blessing. Both grandmothers know how to take care of her exceptionally well, but it makes me feel like, what does she need me for? I am the mom and on Halloween it is my in-laws that are going to be dressing her up, taking pictures by the pumpkins, and handing out candy. I wanted to be there, I wanted to do that! I know this feeling is irrational, and I know I need to "get over it," but I truly want to cherish every moment with her. Brian says I need to stop focusing on how hard it was to get pregnant and focus on Paityn here and now. I know that is true, but it is so hard. I am so glad I ran across this blog a few months ago (I have mentioned it before, it is called Teach Me How to Braid). The most recent blog post (no whining) by Emily came at the perfect time - you can read it here - she talks about why us infertility moms are so hard on ourselves and that we need to realize that although we want to be, we can't be perfect. I need to let go of some control and just be thankful! The problem is that I love my family so much and just want to soak up every minute together - no amount of time could ever be enough!
   Although I didn't get to celebrate Halloween with my family, we did have a little fun at work and I did get some pictures of my little girl. I was able to borrow my friend, Maija's daughter's costume. It worked perfect! I have some more pictures on my camera, but here are some ones I had taken with my phone.

Our Mustaches!

Brian and my creations!



The shirt says "Daddy is under my spell"



 

  Paityn has been been really grabbing at things lately. She is just now starting to grab at a toy and bring it to her mouth. She does really like chewing on her "Sophie." Her favorite spot is still in her gym. I have attached to the toys some rings with teethers at the base. She loves to grab for the rings and chew on them! She still sucks on her pacifier and fists. She has not quite yet found her feet, but she loves to kick. Brian and I really had fun with her tonight. We gave Paityn a bath and took out the newborn insert in the baby tub. She is now sitting lower and can splash the water with her feet. Brian was cleaning the hairdryer and had removed the back part that collects dust. Brian started to blow the dust out and Paityn just started to laugh. We have heard little giggles, but never a real laugh from her. We both looked at each other and he did it again. She continued to laugh at him doing this for about 3-4 minutes. It was so much fun to see her smile and laugh out loud! It came as such a shock! Who would have thought that would make her laugh!! We should have grabbed the video camera. Hopefully we can get her to do it again and get it on tape!



  My friend, Erika, who is currently undergoing her infertility treatments will find out on Friday if the latest round of IUI worked for her. I pray for it to be successful and for continued strength as she continues this journey (I hope she has good news to share). I found this picture on facebook and immediately thought of her. I think it is so beautiful.

 



I think this is important for EVERYONE to remember.



   I know it is really hard for her as her two best friends now have kids. Not only is she going through infertility, but her friends are a lot busier and not around as much. I feel so bad! I want to talk to her more, to see her more, but things are just so crazy. I hope she knows how much I value our friendship and think of her often. I know the older Paityn gets the easier it will be to get together and I know she understand that too. I feel so blessed to have have such amazing friends! And a special Congrats to my friend Steph who got married this Saturday. I was so honored to be her personal attendant for her wedding! I am glad she has found true happiness!



3 Months

 I can't believe my sweet girl is already 3 months old. She is old enough that I can stop telling people how many weeks she is and instead just say "3 months." It is amazing how different she looks already! I was just telling Brian that she has gotten so big that the cat feels light when I pick her up (cat is 9.9lbs). It wasn't long ago that Bella felt like a whale compared to Paityn. She is getting fatter and more wrinkles everyday - just the way we like it! Although she still likes to be cuddled, she is staring to prefer being held facing out so she can see the world. She smiles ALL the time! I still have not heard a true laugh or squeal, but I am looking forward to it soon! Her grasp has gotten very strong and although she doesn't grab for things yet, when she gets a hold of an item, she does move it around. She is still not sleeping through the night - she gets up around 1-2am and 5, but much improved from those first early weeks! We just have so much fun with her!

    I went back to work this week and although it was tough leaving her, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. There is no doubt I would rather spend the time with my family, but if I HAVE to work, I do have a pretty awesome job! I love my co-workers and it has been so good to see everyone! I actually put a picture of her on my badge and love to show her off - yes, I have become THAT mom!!! Although I am gone for long periods of time, it does actually go by fast. I am usually so busy at work I don't have time to sit and worry! It hasn't been that hard getting back into the swing of things either. I do still feel a little "out of the loop," but it is sort of like riding a bike. I have not had a lot of difficult patients yet, but just getting back into the swing of being a nurse has been good. Now tomorrow may be a little different as I will have to take the reigns as charge nurse, but I will just do my best and make something up :). I think I also feel more comfortable working, because Brian is becoming more comfortable with taking care of Paityn on his own. He is an amazing dad, but I wasn't sure how he would do with getting up in the middle of the night. The more he does it, the more confident he becomes and it is so fun to watch him with her!

    My friend Erika has started her IUI treatments again after a little break. She has started a blog of her own and you can check it out - it is listed as one of my blogs I follow called Faith Hope Love. I really wish no one had to take the infertility journey, but in the end it is worth every minute. I would love to someday become an advocate for insurance companies paying at least some money for invitro. As it stands now, most insurances pay about 80% of IUI procedures and nothing for invitro. I look at Paityn and think, without this technology, she would not be here and I could not imagine life without her. Fortunately we could afford this procedure, but many people don't have that ability. I read a good article online about IVF becoming more affordable - you can read it here. Due to the cost of IVF, Paityn will be our only child. We cannot afford to do another procedure and unless we miraculously conceive on our own, we won't be doing another round. That is really okay with us - she is our world and we couldn't ask for anything more. Of course I would LOVE to have more children - being a mom is the best, but until IVF becomes significantly cheaper or insurance helps cover the cost - Paityn is it! I feel so bad for the families that, due to financial constraints of IVF, will never get to have the most wonderful experience of being a parent! It is just not fair!

Ugh, the day is here

How can I leave that face?? :(

    If you have read any of my blog, you know that I have been dreading the day I go back to work. Tomorrow at this time I will be back at good old North Memorial. I am know I am lucky to have a job that allows me to not work everyday. I know, as a nurse, in the long run I will have a lot more time with Paityn. The thing that is the hardest for me is that I work 12.5 hr shifts which means I will be gone for about 14 hrs total and when I do shifts, I often do them back to back. I will have gone from seeing my sweet little girl all the time to when I am working, only a few hours a day for up to 3 days in a row. That transition is going to be very hard for me. I NEVER thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, but now I am thinking staying home until she goes to school would have been really nice! I have had one meltdown and cried several times. I know tomorrow is going to be hard, but I will get through it. I had a nice lunch with my friends today and they were very kind, caring, and understanding which was really nice. I also know she will be in good hands. My mom is going to be watching her and loves her to death, I just want to be the one there!

    I am not only sad about leaving Paityn, but I am nervous to go back to work for other reasons. Nursing is very much a skill and working in the trauma neuro intensive care, it is very intense and you have to be on top of things at all times. I have not practiced these skills in about 14 weeks, I will be rusty. It is going to take awhile to get back into the swing of things and sometimes, that time is just not available. The other part I know is going to be hard, and I know this is harsh, but sometimes being a nurse is not so rewarding. People don't appreciate the work you do, they yell at you, etc. I am going to have a VERY hard time being kind and compassionate to these ungrateful people especially when I know I could be home and happy with my beautiful family! Oh well, it is just 12 hours and I know I come home to something much better!

  Brian has not had a lot of alone time with Paityn and he has not gotten up in the middle of the night with her (by my choice). I know and feel confident that he is capable with his daughter, but I know it will be a hard transition for him too. Good thing I don't work every night! A lot of people have asked me if now that I have a daughter if I will stay on nights. I do nights for many reasons: there is a lot less drama at work with families, bosses, doctors, and staff, we get free parking at night, our shift differential is $4/hr more, we get a bonus of 32 free hours every year, and I can work less. I figure, if I can work less and make the same amount of money, why not - plus I can do it. Some people just can't physically do night shift. Straight days are not an option so I if I rotated I would have to do do about 40% nights without all the added bonuses.

  This past weekend we went to Brian's cousin Chris' wedding. Chris is such a sweetheart and has a daughter of his own who is 3. Chris has always kind of been a ladies man, but he met a wonderful girl Gina and they are so great together. They really make a beautiful couple and it was an amazing wedding. The wedding was held in Duluth so we took a little road trip up there. We made it a day trip since we did not have anyone to watch Zoe. She only fussed for about 15-20 minutes on the way up there and we did have to stop once on the way home, but overall did very well on the car ride. Chris had not met Paityn yet and it was so sweet, when they were saying "hello" he gave her a kiss. Brian and Chris were talking, and always the jokester that Chris is he says" you love them, but don't you wish you could just pick them up from the factory at (age) 3?" The wedding was so fun and it was great to see his whole family (it doesn't happen nearly enough). I wish we could have stayed longer. Here are a few pictures from the wedding:

Chris and Gina's first dance...she looked AMAZING!



The Hime family :)



Uncle Ron holding Paityn,,,I wish she wasn't blurry :(







Clearly someone was all partied out!



  The other day I went for a run. Brian has always loved to cuddle (not me so much which is weird), but his favorite thing to do is cuddle Paityn. He had put some daddy songs on (when I left it was 'My Little Girl' by Tim McGraw and when I returned home it was 'Butterfly Kisses') and was slow dancing with her and crying (well not the whole time, but there were tears when I left). That little girls is just wrapped around his little finger, well both of ours actually. I asked him if he thought he would love a little boy as much and he said "probably not." I can't believe the love that she was brought us!



Apple Orchard

I have been looking forward to taking Paityn to an apple orchard. I have great memories of going with my mom and grandma every year as a child. I love the whole fall atmosphere, picking apples, pumpkins, etc. Brian, Paityn, and I, along with our friends Scott and Julie and their girls, went to Apple Jack's Orchard in Delano last Saturday. I had the cutest little outfit on Paityn and was all ready to take some great pictures, but the weather got in the way. Don't get me wrong, I loved that it was hot out, but it didn't work with my outfit. My mom got Paityn a onesie that says "daddy is under my spell" with a little black tutu and orange and black pant with stripes. Only about a half hour into the outing the pants and headband were off and she was just wearing her onesie and sweating that! Oh well, we had a good time and maybe in a few weeks we can try again to get good pictures. Here are a few that we got:



Paityn's pants that we had to take off



Her first pumpkin

Won't be long before she can eat the carmel apple - mom had it instead :)



Scott and Julie's daughter Isabelle

    Paityn has been growing like a weed. She has already outgrown over half of her 3 month pajamas. She is not even 3 months old yet! She doesn't seem to be that long, but she must be because the pajamas are stretched to the limit. I had to crack out the 6 month pajamas to get washed! The other night when we had a bath I noticed that her toe looked weird. Upon closer inspection Brian and I found that a hair (probably mine) somehow got wrapped around her little toe and actually cut into the skin. With a tweezers we were able to get it loose and off, but her toe did take a few days to heal. Brian looked it up online and it is rare, but does happen. I felt horrible - poor little girl :(

  I heard some wonderful news today that a friend of mine who I have previously blogged about here got word that she is now in remission! I am so happy for her and her family. She fought quite the battle and did with grace and elegance. I am glad she can move past her cancer and start working on a family that she so desperately wants. Her and her husband are such a loving couple and will make the most wonderful parents!

  Through facebook today I can across another blog of someone who dealt with infertility. I don't know her personally, but her blog was very interesting and quite touching. If  anyone is interested  the link is here.

  I was rocking Paityn today and started to cry. I just don't know how we got so lucky to have this beautiful little girl. God has really blessed us! She is Brian and my world and I just couldn't imagine not having the opportunity to be her mom. It really is the most wonderful thing!

 

 



Baptism

     This past Sunday we had Paityn baptized. Like I said in the previous blog post, Paityn was baptized in the same church by the same pastor that married Brian and I. Her gown was the gown I wore for my baptism and a co-worker was kind enough to make a bow from my wedding dress. The baptism went very well. There were actually four babies being baptized that Sunday and none of them cried!!! Amazing! I prayed so many nights for this little girl and it was really special to have her baptized. We were honored to have a lot of family to come be part of the event. She received WAY too many gifts, but they were all very appreciated. Here are some pictures from the day:



Pastor Eric and Paityn





Paityn being baptized



Godparents and mommy and daddy

 

 

Godmother Jane

 



Godfather Dan







    I brought Paityn to the doctor this past week, twice. Once for her two month check up and then a week later. Paityn's voice started to sound a little hoarse and we think it was due to the nasal spray we were giving her. The doctor said she was fine and not to worry, but don't use the saline nasal spray anymore. She was just shy of 10 weeks old and her weight was 11 pounds 15 ounces!!! She is getting soooooo big! She is just smiling away and starting to "coo" a lot. She really likes to "talk" to her daddy!!!

  This past weekend I also ran in a "mud race" with some of my girlfriends. It was super cold, but we had a blast! I am looking forward to doing it next year. My friend Maija and I are considering trying to do a 10K in November, but we will see :)

So Big!!!

   I can't believe that Paityn is already two months old. In fact, as of today, she is already 9 weeks. The time goes by way too fast. I often find myself looking at the calender and counting the days I have left with her before I go back to work. I know I need to just enjoy everyday and not think of that, but it is hard. I do love my job, but I love spending my days with her too. At least I will not be going back full time!!

  My mom and I took Paityn to get her 2 month well baby check-up on Wednesday. I was anxious to see how much she has grown. I was astonished when they told me she weighed 11lbs 8.8 oz! She was only 7lbs when she was born!!!! She has also grown 2 1/4 inches (she is now 22 1/4 inches long). Her weight fell into the 60 percentile, her head circumference fell into the 50-75 percentile, and her length is 25-50 percentile. The doctor said she was doing good and was healthy. She did get her shots which were no fun. Brian said he was glad he didn't go because he would have been angry at the person giving her the shots. I don't like to see my little girl hurt, but I understand the need for the shots so it didn't bother me. She did cry when she got them, but only for a few minutes. She didn't seem to have much of a reaction. We gave her some Tylenol in the evening just because we figured she would be sore, and she was a little fussy the next day, but all in all did very well! I hear it is the 4 month shots that tend to be much worse!

 The fertility clinic sent out a letter looking for statistics. I need to send them the birth record and they request a picture for their baby board. I remember when I was upset about only having the one two-celled embryo (look at that face, how could I be upset about that!!!) Dr. Corfman said something to the effect of we had embryos that were in much worse shape and they are now on our baby board and in 9 months this one will too. Although I sent them a birth announcement, I figured it is too big and am going to send a 4x6. The problem is there are so many cute photos I have trouble choosing. Brian said to tell them that she is the cutest one!!!



I just love being a mom!!!

Pretty Girl!



   Paityn has been so much fun lately! She smiles a lot now and they are not the half-hearted smiles, they are the big toothless grins! I absolutely love to see her smile, it just melts my heart. She still has the dimple on her right side that always shows when she smiles too! She is starting to track objects, although it is slow. She does try and find people when she hears their voice. She is "talking" a lot more. Sometimes she just talks without prompting, sometimes it is when someone is looking at her, and sometimes she will mirror you if you talk to her. The doctor asked if we had heard a squeal yet, and we haven't but she said around 2-4 months they will start!




There is that big smile!





    It has been fun trying new things with her. This week I got out the bumbo chair. She does pretty good in it and seems to enjoy it. She hold her head up for quite awhile before she tires and leans forward. She still loves her activity gym and plays in it several times a day. She can grab an object when you put it in her hand, but does not reach for one or put it in her mouth yet. 





Bumbo time




        Although I do not want the time to go fast (mostly because that means I am closer to work), I am looking forward to the next few weeks. On September 23rd we are going to have Paityn baptized. She will be baptized in the same church by the same pastor that married Brian and I. Also, she will be wearing my baptism gown. I had a lady I work with remove a bow and create a new bow using fabric from my wedding gown. I am really happy with how it turned out and can't wait to take pictures. The last weekend in September we are going to go to an apple orchard that has a lot of things for kids. Although I know Paityn can't do any of the activities, I am really excited to get some pictures!


 Below I posted side by side pictures one month apart.....it is amazing to see how much she has already grown and changed!!!