Some Songs

I have found a new song that I LOVE. Acutally, Brian was listening to this song and at the last verse he said, that is going to be us. I cry everytime I hear this song, hits so close to home. The song is by Jason Aldean and it is called Laughed Until We Cried. The whole song is great by especially the last lyrics which go as follows........

Just the other night the baby was cryin'

So I got out of bed and rocked her awhile and I held her tight

And I told her it would be alright

My mind went back to a few years ago

We tried so long, we almost gave up hope

And I remember you comin' in and telling me the news

Oh man we were living, going crazy in the kitchen

We danced and screamed and held eachother tight

We laughed until we cried

You can hear the rest of the song and watch the video here:

http://youtu.be/QNLiNJUsleA

Blah

This post isn't going to include any pictures and it may be slightly a debbie downer.....at least everyone has been pre-warned.

I still find it to be such a mystery that it is SOOO incredibly easy for so many people to get pregnant, and here were are...try and try again with no results. I think what sparked this was finding out someone is pregnant. You know how most of the time you are genuinely happy to hear that someone is pregnant, this time it was kind of a shock and then blahhhhhhh. I am happy for this person, but it just really really hurts. Then, to make matters worse, I go on facebook and find out that 2 more people are having children, some of them on their second. I really don't want to sound like a heartless bi*&%, but it just hurts. I just wish there was some rhyme or reason why people get so easy and others try and try. Guess we will never know.

Brian's mom said to me the other day after Brian started working ...."you guys are going to have so much money you don't know what to do with it." My response "I certainly know what we will do with it........have a baby (hopefully)." I wish we could do it the old fashion way, free, but it is what it is. Doing it this way does not mean that Brian and I love each other any less, it just means we will have to lean on each other to get there.

Again, sorry this post is so blah, but,I want these feelings to be real and that is what they are right now. I couldn't be more blessed with a wonderful husband and family and that is what I am holding on to. As my dad says "God works in mysterious ways!"

Another IUI in the books

Well, I can officially say I have completed 5 out of 6 rounds of IUI. Another one for the books!

The ultrasound showed I had a few follicles that were average size. I was told to hold off a day for my shot and then come in for IUI on Friday. Nothing different than before. The nurse that did it says she has been on a hot streak lately so here is holding out hope!!! I did sit down with the business office before I left and again, if no cysts after this round I can still complete my 6th and final round of IUI and get into invitro by September. It is going to be tight, but I can do it. However, if it is too tight and they think it would be better to wait until November, I will certainly do it. It costs a lot of money to do this an I want the best possible chance of a successful outcome! The reason it will be close is due to the fact that they require a certain amount of time on birth control BEFORE you start any of IVF medications to help get the eggs to be of good quality.


Okay, so I am going to switch it up a bit, a couple non IUI/Infertility related topics.....This past Saturday my BFF got married. I can't even describe how beautiful the wedding was and to see them so in love was beyond words. I had and absolute blast and the wedding was absolutely amazing. A HUGE congrats to Ian and Em!!!

Brian is officially back to working as an electrician! It is still hard for me to believe even though he has been going to work! This is amazing as he has been laid off for 2.5 years. He is working at a data center out in Chanhassen and doing the evening/night shift. Working that shift gets him a better chance of getting notice for quality work (which means hopefully not getting laid off when and if the time comes) and a substantial increase in the hourly wage! It will be an adjustment, especially for him, but he is excited to be back out.

One of my really close friends got engaged after dating for 10 years. I am beyond words for how happy I am for them. She give so much of her herself and deserves all this happiness that is coming her way. Can't wait to see what she wants to do with her wedding!

Lastly, if anything has come from this blog, besides a relief to get my feelings out, I was contacted by a childhood friend who had read this blog and then proceeded to tell me she has been silently suffering with infertility. Well, the other day we met for ice cream after about 15 years of not seeing each other. It was amazing how natural this was, like we have been close all of these years. It was so amazing to see her and now that we know we live so close, I hope we can continue this friendship!

Must be instincts

Can't tell you how many times people said, "you don't know that you are getting your period, just wait and see." It must be instincts, but by the time I wrote that last post I KNEW I was getting my period, and as scheduled, it arrived. I did take time to cry and cry, but now it is time to pick myself and get ready for the next round.

I did go get my baseline ultrasound and there was a small victory as there were no cysts. Yay!!!At this point we are still hoping for the best, but planning on doing invitro on september if we can get in in time or then November. Speaking of November, the twilight movie comes out 11/18/11. I am SOOOOO excited - I really can't wait! If you want to check out the trailer go to imdb.com!!!!

Looking forward to my BFF's wedding on Saturday. I guess that means that I can drink....at least I can help her celebrate! Congrats to Emily and Ian!

Bummin'

As much as I would love to put on a happy face and say "it will happen," I want this blog to be real. I want people who also be experiencing infertility to know that the emotional rollercoaster is something that everyone experiences. Today, my rollercoaster is at the bottom.


I don't know why, but I just feel bummed. I always feel so good at the IUI and a few days after, hopeful, happy, but the closer it gets to the pregnancy test the more the doubt creeps in and I start to feel failure. I am supposed to have my pregnancy test on Monday. To be honest, I am not even bothering to schedule it - I just switch it over to an ultrasound anyways. So, I guess I will just bring a handful of tampons to work on Sunday.



As much as I hate it, I do often have "why me" moments. I am going to go through the last 2 IUI rounds - hopefully no more cysts to slow me down - just to make sure we tried everything insurance will cover. IVF is just SO expensive that I want to make sure we (more so me) are not just jumping into it because I want a baby SO bad. Often times I find myself thinking, "why can't I just have a baby like everyone else?" I know I am blessed and should just be happy, but the more I see pictures of people's new babies or news of people having babies, I am super excited for them, but another piece of my heart breaks for me. This is the deal, I don't just want to be a mom, I want to be a mom to Brian and my child. Is all this happening because God knows better? It is just so hard not to think that.



Sorry for this depressing post, but it does help to get it out and as much as I talk positive, it is true that I do fall and wish I didn't.