I was wrong

 I have no problem admitting I was wrong, especially when the news is this good:

I was waiting to update this blog for my second HCG level that was drawn yesterday and so far, everything looks good.  While I am not making this news "facebook official" anytime soon (since I am SO early), I have shared the news with people who have known what has been going on and have shared my heartache and joy with me. Words cannot express how amazing and excited Brian and I are.

 They way I found out was through a blood draw on Wednesday 11/23. As I said before, I just couldn't bring myself to do a home test. I even told the RN drawing my blood that I thought it was negative. She stated "well I am going to remain optimistic until I see the result." The way they let us know is through a voicemail we have to access. She was the one to call. My hands were shaking as I dialed the numbers and to my shock...she said it was good news and that I was pregnant. Brian came up just as I got off the phone and pulled me into a hug and started crying. I still remain in shock, but am soooooo happy! After I found out, I used the last pregnancy test I had just to see it say pregnant. I have waited 2 years and many, many tears to see that result.

  Brian and I are just beside ourselves with joy and happiness for our little fighter. I am nervous because I am so early and just hope everything goes well, but I am trying to enjoy every minute of being pregnant and to just not worry. I will go in for an ultrasound during week 6 to see the heartbeat and then they are done with me and I will setup with a regular OB. A lot of people asked if I would be high risk and the answer is "no." Although I will remain on the daily shot, pills, and progesterone suppositories until 12 weeks, I should not need any special care.

 Words cannot express Brian and my happiness and it feels so wonderful to be supported and loved by so many people. This baby is going to know he/she were truly wanted and a lot of people, friends, family, and co-workers already have so much love for them!

Ugh!

WARNING: This post is going to be a woe-is-me Debbie downer post. At least you have far warning so can choose to not read.

  I know I have said the whole time "this probably didn't work." That is my coping mechanism; that is my way of protecting myself, but I have always had a glimmer of hope. What if this is all we needed? Maybe my body can do this.....the closer the days come to the day of the pregnancy test the harder it gets. Tomorrow is the test and today I am a mess. People may ask, why don't you just take a pregnancy test and get it over with? To be honest, I cannot bring myself to look at another negative pregnancy test. I feel like all hope has been lost. A lot of people always tell me, "you never know," but the honest truth is, I have been through this, now my 7th time, of sitting and waiting (don't forget the whole year before I got help) I know how my body responds. Everyone says your breast get tender when you are pregnant. I am fortunate to get tender breast while I am waiting, but a few days before my period, it always disappears. Well, guess what happened, it has gone away giving me the clue, period is coming within the next few days.

  I know people have good intentions. "They now know what is wrong, you can try again in January." I know this, but it still doesn't get any easier. I get to go through the holidays, watching my nieces and nephews enjoy Christmas, wishing I could see such joy in our kid(s). And not to mention Thanksgiving, I am dreading it. I love being with Brian's family. They all are such wonderful people and I have a blast, but this year there is two new pregnant people. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for them, I truly am! But with this being so fresh, I don't know if I can handle it. No one has seen them since they became pregnant and both of them are showing and now > 20weeks. I know people will be interested and asking all kinds of questions. I am afraid I will start to cry. I want to say I can be a big girl and suck it up, but the truth is, this hurts so much, I will only find out for sure the day before and I don't know if my emotions can handle it. Brian will be hanging out with my cousins and my one rock who knows everything won't be there (this is not meant to make you feel bad Randi).

  I keep coming back to January, what if that doesn't work, what if none of it works? I know, someday, I will be okay with not having children, but right now it is too hard to think about. Everyday at work some patient or family asks me if I have kids, someone new on facebook announces that they are pregnant and "overjoyed" or someone is complaining about having to get up with their kids. I know that is what a typical parent does, but I want to yell, "don't you get it, you are so lucky!" I want to know what it feels like to have morning sickness, to have a baby move inside of me and most of all, to hear my child say "I love you mommy and daddy." On the booklet they gave ups with embryo information the header says "Miracles happen," I know my and Brian's love and health are a miracle, but I keep wondering if that type of  "miracle" is going to happen to us.

Unexplained Infertility?

  I just didn't feel up to writing this post yesterday. Things have just not gone as planned. I knew that I was going in for a 2 day transfer and by all means, that was not the plan. I had a feeling that not all the eggs fertilized, but I was not ready for what I saw. Out of 10 eggs, only 2 were able to fertilize and one stopped growing leaving me with only one embryo in the early stages. We talked with the embryologist who said that the results of this IVF have explained a lot. Brian's sperm look good and so did my eggs, but for some reason the sperm is having a difficult time getting into the egg. The original way the do IVF is just lay the sperm over the eggs and usually the majority of the eggs do fertilize. The embryologist said since this "conventional" way is not very effective for us, they know next time to use a different method. The method she was talking about is ICIS. With ICIS they actually take one sperm and inject it into the egg. The reason they do not just do this in the beginning is because they like to have as little manipulation as possible. She said all this was very valuable information for her and it is an easy fix. The embryologist said I still have one embryo to try and to not give up on it yet. The reason she is doing the transfer so early is because she does not have to see which one is the strongest, there is only one, and there is no better place for the embryo than inside of mom. She said that this embryo is a fighter, to stay positive and if it does not work, we have a plan for next time.

 I was in tears the whole time. Everyone was very kind. My doctor told me I would not have wanted twins anyways, there is a no return policy :) (they usually transfer 2 embryos). There is no way of knowing if this embryo will implant and stick and there is no way of knowing if it will stop growing like the other one. I don't feel very confident, but I am going to try and stay positive. I would love this to be my little fighter! I am very glad we ended up doing the VIP plan....if this does not work we get 2 more tries, but I hope with all my heart that this little embryo will surpass the odds and grow into our strong, fighter child. I can tell you one thing, this child will be so loved by so many people...especially his/her mommy and daddy!!!!


This is a picture of a 2 cell embryo like mine                       This is a picture of the ICIS procedure
                                                                                                    (lets hope we don't have to go there!)

Up and Down

 Yesterday was the big day, the day of the retrieval. I was to have nothing to eat or drink 6-8 hours before the procedure which was scheduled for 1:30pm. My husband, being concerned about my me...woke up at 5am to make me breakfast in bed even though I insisted I was okay.

 We arrived at the clinic at 12:30 and I got prepped for the procedure. IV placed, going over medical history etc. Brian did his "part" and then we waited in a room together. They have a closed circuit TV that allows you to see what the doctor was seeing so he was able to watch the follicles get removed. The procedure itself was not bad. They give you some sedation to take the edge off. I was awake the whole time, but in a good place. The doctor placed a vaginal ultrasound with a needle attached into the uterus and then extracts the follicles. Here is a picture that shows how it is done:

Once the eggs are extracted they are placed in a test tube, given to the lab and then placed in a petri dish. About 4 hours after the procedure they add the sperm and cross their fingers. Once the eggs are at the stage they want, they re-insert them with a catheter into the uterus.

   I left the clinic with a new medication plan in hopes of optimizing implantation and a goal of a 5 day transfer. My new medication plan includes estradiol pills three times a day, progesterone suppositories (in the vagina) three times a day, and a shot in the butt once a day. These medications are to continue until a negative pregnancy test or if positive, through 12 weeks of pregnancy. With the help of Brian and a co-worker who I owe big time, I will get the shots in my butt. As my co-worker said "that is a lot of shots in the ass!"

 So when I left yesterday I was told no news was good news, well today I got a phone call.......I knew right away something was not right. They were able to extract 10 eggs and although that seems a good number (the lady before me had 20) not all of them may have been "mature" and not all of them may have fertilized. I don't know all the details yet, but I was told my transfer date was moved up to Friday instead of Monday. For whatever reason, whether the egg quality is bad, or lack of eggs, they feel they will do better back in their "natural environment." With the goal being 5 days, I am very hesitant and sad. I thought this was our answer. Brian said, "that is why we chose the VIP (3 try plan) and I understand that, but it is very intensive and I am ready to be a mom. With that said, I am not going to get my hopes up, but try to remain positive. I know I have a lot of love and prayers being sent my way!

It's the little things

  Wow, I am really blessed. Sometimes it is the little things that really make your day. I have had so much support throughout this whole process. The other day in the mail I got a card from my cousin (love you Randi) just because she is thinking of Brian and I and wishing us well. It is the co-workers who help out so all my work is done or come in early to make sure I can get to my appointments; co-workers who are also busy with their own work who don't hesitate to say they will watch my patients so I can go and give myself injections. It is my wonderful husband who wraps his arms around me when I cry for no reason (that seems to happen sometimes with these lovely hormone injections) and thanks me for being strong enough to go through this. And it is my two wonderful best friends who have been with me through this whole process even before I started the infertility doctor, supporting, a shoulder to cry on and bitch, calling,  and now...know all my ultrasound dates and often call me before I can call them to see how everything went (I don't know what I would do without you Maija and Erika! Love you girls so much!). I feel a lot of love from so many people.

  I just got word on the plan today. I am going to give myself two more shots at 0130 on Tuesday. These shots are actually shots that will make me ovulate in 40 hours. The doctor wants to get to me before I ovulate, but he needs this to help so the eggs with be easier to extract. On Wednesday, Brian and I will go in @ 1230 for the egg retrieval. I will have conscious sedation and Brian will be in waiting room that has a video feed so he can see what is happening. I am not sure how many follicles will be mature resulting in eggs to fertilize, but the more you the have better the chances of them lasting for the 5 days, which make the outcome of a successful implantation and resulting pregnancy higher. I am hoping for the best, but am trying not to worry as I can't change anything. Depending how things look, and how many eggs fertilize, the plan is to put two eggs back into me on Monday the 14th. That gives you the highest chance of one taking. I am really hoping they will be able to do this, but again one day at a time!!!

Pin Cushion

I am starting to feel like a pin cushion. Things are going well so far. At this point I am giving myself three different shots a day...two in the morning and one at night. The shots go into my stomach and are just into the skin so they are not too bad.....one however, does feel like a bee sting. I have had two ultrasounds so far. Apparently when you do IVF they follow your progress REALLY close. The nurse says progress looks good so, so so far so good. I have several follicles on each ovary  and they are waiting for them to mature. They are able to tell if your body is ready by looking a your estrogen level (yes, with the ultrasounds come blood work, but that is a breeze) and the size of your follicles. Based on the ultrasounds and your progress, they will give you several days of medication doses to help you continue to grow the follicles. If all goes well, they should retrieve the follicles sometime next week.

  The nurse asked me if I felt bloated yet with all the follicles. Your ovary is only supposed to make one, so when you put 4-6 or so of them on each side, they start running out of room. I do not feel bloated, but I can definitely feel where my ovaries are!

  The one big downfall of all these medications has been the weight gain. Over the last 8-9 months I have been on birth control, off birth control, taking oral hormones and now injectable ones. I know the weight gain is related to the hormones, but it is really hard to take when your pants are starting to be tight, especially when you have been wearing the same pair for years and years. The hard part is, because of the risk of losing the follicles, there is no exercise you can do.....not even sex!  :) You can walk however, and I have spent a lot of time walking the dog over the past week.

With all the stuff I have been doing, it has been going really fast. And although a lot of people make fun of me, with all the Twilight promo for the new movie and stuff, my mind has really been kept off of all this and I think that is a really good thing. I don't sit here and wonder if progress is being made, what if it doesn't, etc. I just do what I have to do each day and enjoy watching all the promo stuff. I work this weekend so that will help also. Anyways, I found a cute picture to add to this post. I think this is what it would have been like if Brian had to give me the shots......good thing I can do them myself!!! :)