Ugh!

WARNING: This post is going to be a woe-is-me Debbie downer post. At least you have far warning so can choose to not read.

  I know I have said the whole time "this probably didn't work." That is my coping mechanism; that is my way of protecting myself, but I have always had a glimmer of hope. What if this is all we needed? Maybe my body can do this.....the closer the days come to the day of the pregnancy test the harder it gets. Tomorrow is the test and today I am a mess. People may ask, why don't you just take a pregnancy test and get it over with? To be honest, I cannot bring myself to look at another negative pregnancy test. I feel like all hope has been lost. A lot of people always tell me, "you never know," but the honest truth is, I have been through this, now my 7th time, of sitting and waiting (don't forget the whole year before I got help) I know how my body responds. Everyone says your breast get tender when you are pregnant. I am fortunate to get tender breast while I am waiting, but a few days before my period, it always disappears. Well, guess what happened, it has gone away giving me the clue, period is coming within the next few days.

  I know people have good intentions. "They now know what is wrong, you can try again in January." I know this, but it still doesn't get any easier. I get to go through the holidays, watching my nieces and nephews enjoy Christmas, wishing I could see such joy in our kid(s). And not to mention Thanksgiving, I am dreading it. I love being with Brian's family. They all are such wonderful people and I have a blast, but this year there is two new pregnant people. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for them, I truly am! But with this being so fresh, I don't know if I can handle it. No one has seen them since they became pregnant and both of them are showing and now > 20weeks. I know people will be interested and asking all kinds of questions. I am afraid I will start to cry. I want to say I can be a big girl and suck it up, but the truth is, this hurts so much, I will only find out for sure the day before and I don't know if my emotions can handle it. Brian will be hanging out with my cousins and my one rock who knows everything won't be there (this is not meant to make you feel bad Randi).

  I keep coming back to January, what if that doesn't work, what if none of it works? I know, someday, I will be okay with not having children, but right now it is too hard to think about. Everyday at work some patient or family asks me if I have kids, someone new on facebook announces that they are pregnant and "overjoyed" or someone is complaining about having to get up with their kids. I know that is what a typical parent does, but I want to yell, "don't you get it, you are so lucky!" I want to know what it feels like to have morning sickness, to have a baby move inside of me and most of all, to hear my child say "I love you mommy and daddy." On the booklet they gave ups with embryo information the header says "Miracles happen," I know my and Brian's love and health are a miracle, but I keep wondering if that type of  "miracle" is going to happen to us.