9 weeks

  I haven't been the greatest about updating my blog. For the last couple weeks I have been super busy with work and the holiday season. We had a wonderful Christmas spent with our families. Of course I got some cute baby gifts like this one modeled by Zoe:

  If you know me you know I LOVE elephants!!!!! I have my first OB appointment tomorrow. It is with a nurse practitioner who I believe will just take a health history and get me established with the clinic. I am not sure, but I think it is to early to hear the heartbeat with the external doppler, but Brian is going to come with me just in case :)

  As far as I can tell things are going well, but then I hear stories of people who miscarry around 8 weeks and they don't find out until 12 weeks. I try not to worry, but it kind of just creeps in. I know once I hit the 12 week mark I will have a big sigh of relief and really start to enjoy it all! I continue to feel pretty good. I have notice I am more tired (if that is even possible :) ) and I have trouble brushing my teeth. I always brush my tongue when I brush my teeth which has never been a problem. These days however, it may or may not elicit a gag reflex and if I gag, I tend to spend quite a few minutes of slow breathing and swallowing :) My stomach still gets upset at times and I have food aversion, but I would not say I have nausea. My co-workers think that I may get lucky and not get morning sickness.

  I plan on putting up belly pictures when I get one, but for now I remain flat. I saw my cousin at Christmas who is 24 weeks pregnant and she had the cutest little belly! I do have to take a minute to say how wonderful Brian has been to me. He is always good to me, but lately have been doing so much to make my life easier and I cannot thank him enough. He does ALL the housework and just little things to make sure I don't have to do much. Words cannot express how blessed I am! 

Ultrasound

Brian and I had our ultrasound yesterday. I was excited and a little apprehensive as I just didn't know what it would show. When the nurse came back to get us, the first thing she said to me was "it is nice to see you smiling." They have been so great there I couldn't have asked for better care.

  Jen (the nurse) warned me ahead of time that it is right on the cusp of seeing the heartbeat as I was 6 weeks, 4 days so if Dr. Corfman didn't see the heartbeat he wouldn't be concerned. Well, if we couldn't see the heartbeat of course I would worry....I can't help it, I am a worrier.

 It was a transvaginal ultrasound like all the ultrasounds I have done for my procedure stuff, but this time it all looked different. There was a baby in there! Dr. Corfman was able to enlarge the screen and you could actually see the baby's heart beating. It was so surreal to see. He was able to measure the heart rate which was 128 beat per minute. The doctor said the baby is measuring right on track (which is actually less than an inch in size) and everything looks really good. Below is one of the ultrasound picture, it is a little blurry but you can see the baby (even though it actually looks like a blob).

  The nurse said you can tell right away when he inserts the probe if things don't look good, but they both said everything looked perfect. Although I am not totally out of the woods until after the first trimester, once they are able to detect the fetal heartbeat, the miscarriage risk goes way down. Jen was so nice and gave me two super big hugs. How do you thank these people for giving you such a special gift? For supporting you and encouraging you the whole time? I told Dr. Corfman that we couldn't thank him enough and he said to talk to him when they are teenagers :) Even the receptionist were waiting to see how the ultrasound went. They asked for me to keep in touch and send pictures and of course I will do that.

 I am still feeling pretty good. Just not really interested in food, but have been trying to eat healthy. My friend Maija just gave me a stack of books about pregnancy so I will be busy reading them (she is a great resource as she has 2 kids under 2.) I am now done with the infertility clinic and my next appt will be with the OB at 9 weeks. Although I am not positive, I am sure they wont' be doing another ultrasound until around 20 weeks, but I will find out more at my appointment. Brian and I are very excited!

6 weeks

 Today I am 6 weeks along. How do I figure? Well, we don't go by my last period because of all the IVF, we go by the date of egg retrieval. Per the clinic, they must have figured the eggs fertilized sometime on the Thursday after the retrieval, hence the date.

  A lot of people have been asking how I am feeling. In the first week after finding out I was pregnant, I downloaded some pregnancy apps. They are fun to read, but I started to read the community forums. I would read what people would post they were feeling who were around a similar time as me. I started to analyze my symptoms and realize I had little none of what they were describing. I started to get anxious and drive myself crazy. I have since stopped reading the forums and trying to analyze all my symptoms. The stress was not good and a quote from my favorite movie: "You have to accept what is," has kept me a little more sane. Brian and I want this baby so bad it hurts, but we know we are doing everything we can to keep it healthy and growing and if for some reason I miscarry, we won't look back and say we could have changed this.

  Some of the few changes I have noticed are that I pee way more often then I used to and although I have no nausea, I am just disinterested in food. I have no appetite, which if you know me, is strange. Like I said before, I will take any symptom with a smile on my face because I waited so long for this to happen and it is so worth it!

  We have an ultrasound scheduled on Monday to detect the fetal heart rate. Once the heart rate is detected, the rate of miscarriage drops to 4%. I am anxious and excited for this ultrasound. I hope we see that little heart just flying!

I was wrong

 I have no problem admitting I was wrong, especially when the news is this good:

I was waiting to update this blog for my second HCG level that was drawn yesterday and so far, everything looks good.  While I am not making this news "facebook official" anytime soon (since I am SO early), I have shared the news with people who have known what has been going on and have shared my heartache and joy with me. Words cannot express how amazing and excited Brian and I are.

 They way I found out was through a blood draw on Wednesday 11/23. As I said before, I just couldn't bring myself to do a home test. I even told the RN drawing my blood that I thought it was negative. She stated "well I am going to remain optimistic until I see the result." The way they let us know is through a voicemail we have to access. She was the one to call. My hands were shaking as I dialed the numbers and to my shock...she said it was good news and that I was pregnant. Brian came up just as I got off the phone and pulled me into a hug and started crying. I still remain in shock, but am soooooo happy! After I found out, I used the last pregnancy test I had just to see it say pregnant. I have waited 2 years and many, many tears to see that result.

  Brian and I are just beside ourselves with joy and happiness for our little fighter. I am nervous because I am so early and just hope everything goes well, but I am trying to enjoy every minute of being pregnant and to just not worry. I will go in for an ultrasound during week 6 to see the heartbeat and then they are done with me and I will setup with a regular OB. A lot of people asked if I would be high risk and the answer is "no." Although I will remain on the daily shot, pills, and progesterone suppositories until 12 weeks, I should not need any special care.

 Words cannot express Brian and my happiness and it feels so wonderful to be supported and loved by so many people. This baby is going to know he/she were truly wanted and a lot of people, friends, family, and co-workers already have so much love for them!

Ugh!

WARNING: This post is going to be a woe-is-me Debbie downer post. At least you have far warning so can choose to not read.

  I know I have said the whole time "this probably didn't work." That is my coping mechanism; that is my way of protecting myself, but I have always had a glimmer of hope. What if this is all we needed? Maybe my body can do this.....the closer the days come to the day of the pregnancy test the harder it gets. Tomorrow is the test and today I am a mess. People may ask, why don't you just take a pregnancy test and get it over with? To be honest, I cannot bring myself to look at another negative pregnancy test. I feel like all hope has been lost. A lot of people always tell me, "you never know," but the honest truth is, I have been through this, now my 7th time, of sitting and waiting (don't forget the whole year before I got help) I know how my body responds. Everyone says your breast get tender when you are pregnant. I am fortunate to get tender breast while I am waiting, but a few days before my period, it always disappears. Well, guess what happened, it has gone away giving me the clue, period is coming within the next few days.

  I know people have good intentions. "They now know what is wrong, you can try again in January." I know this, but it still doesn't get any easier. I get to go through the holidays, watching my nieces and nephews enjoy Christmas, wishing I could see such joy in our kid(s). And not to mention Thanksgiving, I am dreading it. I love being with Brian's family. They all are such wonderful people and I have a blast, but this year there is two new pregnant people. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for them, I truly am! But with this being so fresh, I don't know if I can handle it. No one has seen them since they became pregnant and both of them are showing and now > 20weeks. I know people will be interested and asking all kinds of questions. I am afraid I will start to cry. I want to say I can be a big girl and suck it up, but the truth is, this hurts so much, I will only find out for sure the day before and I don't know if my emotions can handle it. Brian will be hanging out with my cousins and my one rock who knows everything won't be there (this is not meant to make you feel bad Randi).

  I keep coming back to January, what if that doesn't work, what if none of it works? I know, someday, I will be okay with not having children, but right now it is too hard to think about. Everyday at work some patient or family asks me if I have kids, someone new on facebook announces that they are pregnant and "overjoyed" or someone is complaining about having to get up with their kids. I know that is what a typical parent does, but I want to yell, "don't you get it, you are so lucky!" I want to know what it feels like to have morning sickness, to have a baby move inside of me and most of all, to hear my child say "I love you mommy and daddy." On the booklet they gave ups with embryo information the header says "Miracles happen," I know my and Brian's love and health are a miracle, but I keep wondering if that type of  "miracle" is going to happen to us.

Unexplained Infertility?

  I just didn't feel up to writing this post yesterday. Things have just not gone as planned. I knew that I was going in for a 2 day transfer and by all means, that was not the plan. I had a feeling that not all the eggs fertilized, but I was not ready for what I saw. Out of 10 eggs, only 2 were able to fertilize and one stopped growing leaving me with only one embryo in the early stages. We talked with the embryologist who said that the results of this IVF have explained a lot. Brian's sperm look good and so did my eggs, but for some reason the sperm is having a difficult time getting into the egg. The original way the do IVF is just lay the sperm over the eggs and usually the majority of the eggs do fertilize. The embryologist said since this "conventional" way is not very effective for us, they know next time to use a different method. The method she was talking about is ICIS. With ICIS they actually take one sperm and inject it into the egg. The reason they do not just do this in the beginning is because they like to have as little manipulation as possible. She said all this was very valuable information for her and it is an easy fix. The embryologist said I still have one embryo to try and to not give up on it yet. The reason she is doing the transfer so early is because she does not have to see which one is the strongest, there is only one, and there is no better place for the embryo than inside of mom. She said that this embryo is a fighter, to stay positive and if it does not work, we have a plan for next time.

 I was in tears the whole time. Everyone was very kind. My doctor told me I would not have wanted twins anyways, there is a no return policy :) (they usually transfer 2 embryos). There is no way of knowing if this embryo will implant and stick and there is no way of knowing if it will stop growing like the other one. I don't feel very confident, but I am going to try and stay positive. I would love this to be my little fighter! I am very glad we ended up doing the VIP plan....if this does not work we get 2 more tries, but I hope with all my heart that this little embryo will surpass the odds and grow into our strong, fighter child. I can tell you one thing, this child will be so loved by so many people...especially his/her mommy and daddy!!!!


This is a picture of a 2 cell embryo like mine                       This is a picture of the ICIS procedure
                                                                                                    (lets hope we don't have to go there!)

Up and Down

 Yesterday was the big day, the day of the retrieval. I was to have nothing to eat or drink 6-8 hours before the procedure which was scheduled for 1:30pm. My husband, being concerned about my me...woke up at 5am to make me breakfast in bed even though I insisted I was okay.

 We arrived at the clinic at 12:30 and I got prepped for the procedure. IV placed, going over medical history etc. Brian did his "part" and then we waited in a room together. They have a closed circuit TV that allows you to see what the doctor was seeing so he was able to watch the follicles get removed. The procedure itself was not bad. They give you some sedation to take the edge off. I was awake the whole time, but in a good place. The doctor placed a vaginal ultrasound with a needle attached into the uterus and then extracts the follicles. Here is a picture that shows how it is done:

Once the eggs are extracted they are placed in a test tube, given to the lab and then placed in a petri dish. About 4 hours after the procedure they add the sperm and cross their fingers. Once the eggs are at the stage they want, they re-insert them with a catheter into the uterus.

   I left the clinic with a new medication plan in hopes of optimizing implantation and a goal of a 5 day transfer. My new medication plan includes estradiol pills three times a day, progesterone suppositories (in the vagina) three times a day, and a shot in the butt once a day. These medications are to continue until a negative pregnancy test or if positive, through 12 weeks of pregnancy. With the help of Brian and a co-worker who I owe big time, I will get the shots in my butt. As my co-worker said "that is a lot of shots in the ass!"

 So when I left yesterday I was told no news was good news, well today I got a phone call.......I knew right away something was not right. They were able to extract 10 eggs and although that seems a good number (the lady before me had 20) not all of them may have been "mature" and not all of them may have fertilized. I don't know all the details yet, but I was told my transfer date was moved up to Friday instead of Monday. For whatever reason, whether the egg quality is bad, or lack of eggs, they feel they will do better back in their "natural environment." With the goal being 5 days, I am very hesitant and sad. I thought this was our answer. Brian said, "that is why we chose the VIP (3 try plan) and I understand that, but it is very intensive and I am ready to be a mom. With that said, I am not going to get my hopes up, but try to remain positive. I know I have a lot of love and prayers being sent my way!