12 weeks

 I can't believe I am already 12 weeks. The time has surprisingly gone pretty fast, especially since I have been waiting to get to this week. It still seems very surreal that I am pregnant, especially since I am starting to feel better. I am still eating way less than I used to, but I am starting to get an appetite again and there is WAY less food aversions.

  I was really looking forward to my 12 week appointment this week mostly for reassurance. For one, (warning this may be a little TMI), but one day right before 10 weeks I was trying to put in one of my suppositories that broke and I bleed a little, but it was bright red blood. There was no clots or cramping, and although I knew that it was almost 99.9% related to the broken suppository, it scared the crap out of me. I did not call the clinic as I knew what they would say, but I did remain a little nervous. I did tell the NP at my appointment and she told me I probably just cut myself (just what I thought). The good news is I only have to do all the shots, pills and suppositories until 1/25!!!!!!!

   My appointment went well. The NP said my uterus is just starting to come into the abdominal cavity and she could feel the top of it. The best part was hearing the little heartbeat on the doppler. Such a great sound! I feel like I can take a big deep sigh of relief, I have seen the heartbeat twice and heard the lovely sound. I feel like I can really start to enjoy being pregnant and not constantly worried. It will start to feel more real when I can start to see changes in my belly.

 I stole this from someone's blog page, but I thought it looked fun:

12 weeks

Category baby business

How far along? 12 weeks

 

Total weight gain/loss: Down a pound from the 8 week appt

Maternity clothes? Nope. Some jeans require a hairbinder, but that was due to all the hormones and have been using it for some time now.

 

Stretch marks? nope

 

Sleep: I never sleep well, but I am certainly less tired that I have been.

Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeat!!!!!!

 

Movement: None

Food cravings: Nothing super strong, but green apples lately.

Gender: I think it is a girl and most people have said they do too, but I will honestly be happy with either gender, they are both fun!

Labor Signs: Thank God no

 

Belly Button in or out? Innie

 

What I miss: Taking advil for a headache.

What I am looking forward to: Starting to see my belly grow

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Weekly Wisdom: Get a variety of foods as you never know what you will feel like.

Milestones: 12 Weeks! Yay! Almost done with my first trimester!

Doctor appt

 Brian and I had a good doctor appointment on Friday. We met with a nurse practitioner that we had not met before and she was really great. The bulk of the appointment is going over family history, talking about genetic testing options, and education about early pregnancy. It was too early to hear the heartbeat so she didn't even try with the doppler.

  The nurse practitioner listened to our story about our struggle to become pregnant and how it almost didn't happen. I was telling her I am kind of a worrier, especially about miscarrying, but it is just because of all we had to go through to get to this point. Although they don't usually do an ultrasound at this point, especially since I already had an early one, she said we deserve one. I told her we didn't need to do one, especially since it was Friday and we would probably have to come back next week, but while I was getting my blood drawn she asked the ultrasound tech and she was able to do it. I am so glad we did too! We got the most incredible pictures:

  It looks like a little baby now! The ultrasound tech was laughing because the baby was moving its arms and legs all around like it was dancing and waving. She said she loves these ultrasounds because they look like a little gummy bear. We love our little gummy bear!

9 weeks

  I haven't been the greatest about updating my blog. For the last couple weeks I have been super busy with work and the holiday season. We had a wonderful Christmas spent with our families. Of course I got some cute baby gifts like this one modeled by Zoe:

  If you know me you know I LOVE elephants!!!!! I have my first OB appointment tomorrow. It is with a nurse practitioner who I believe will just take a health history and get me established with the clinic. I am not sure, but I think it is to early to hear the heartbeat with the external doppler, but Brian is going to come with me just in case :)

  As far as I can tell things are going well, but then I hear stories of people who miscarry around 8 weeks and they don't find out until 12 weeks. I try not to worry, but it kind of just creeps in. I know once I hit the 12 week mark I will have a big sigh of relief and really start to enjoy it all! I continue to feel pretty good. I have notice I am more tired (if that is even possible :) ) and I have trouble brushing my teeth. I always brush my tongue when I brush my teeth which has never been a problem. These days however, it may or may not elicit a gag reflex and if I gag, I tend to spend quite a few minutes of slow breathing and swallowing :) My stomach still gets upset at times and I have food aversion, but I would not say I have nausea. My co-workers think that I may get lucky and not get morning sickness.

  I plan on putting up belly pictures when I get one, but for now I remain flat. I saw my cousin at Christmas who is 24 weeks pregnant and she had the cutest little belly! I do have to take a minute to say how wonderful Brian has been to me. He is always good to me, but lately have been doing so much to make my life easier and I cannot thank him enough. He does ALL the housework and just little things to make sure I don't have to do much. Words cannot express how blessed I am! 

Ultrasound

Brian and I had our ultrasound yesterday. I was excited and a little apprehensive as I just didn't know what it would show. When the nurse came back to get us, the first thing she said to me was "it is nice to see you smiling." They have been so great there I couldn't have asked for better care.

  Jen (the nurse) warned me ahead of time that it is right on the cusp of seeing the heartbeat as I was 6 weeks, 4 days so if Dr. Corfman didn't see the heartbeat he wouldn't be concerned. Well, if we couldn't see the heartbeat of course I would worry....I can't help it, I am a worrier.

 It was a transvaginal ultrasound like all the ultrasounds I have done for my procedure stuff, but this time it all looked different. There was a baby in there! Dr. Corfman was able to enlarge the screen and you could actually see the baby's heart beating. It was so surreal to see. He was able to measure the heart rate which was 128 beat per minute. The doctor said the baby is measuring right on track (which is actually less than an inch in size) and everything looks really good. Below is one of the ultrasound picture, it is a little blurry but you can see the baby (even though it actually looks like a blob).

  The nurse said you can tell right away when he inserts the probe if things don't look good, but they both said everything looked perfect. Although I am not totally out of the woods until after the first trimester, once they are able to detect the fetal heartbeat, the miscarriage risk goes way down. Jen was so nice and gave me two super big hugs. How do you thank these people for giving you such a special gift? For supporting you and encouraging you the whole time? I told Dr. Corfman that we couldn't thank him enough and he said to talk to him when they are teenagers :) Even the receptionist were waiting to see how the ultrasound went. They asked for me to keep in touch and send pictures and of course I will do that.

 I am still feeling pretty good. Just not really interested in food, but have been trying to eat healthy. My friend Maija just gave me a stack of books about pregnancy so I will be busy reading them (she is a great resource as she has 2 kids under 2.) I am now done with the infertility clinic and my next appt will be with the OB at 9 weeks. Although I am not positive, I am sure they wont' be doing another ultrasound until around 20 weeks, but I will find out more at my appointment. Brian and I are very excited!

6 weeks

 Today I am 6 weeks along. How do I figure? Well, we don't go by my last period because of all the IVF, we go by the date of egg retrieval. Per the clinic, they must have figured the eggs fertilized sometime on the Thursday after the retrieval, hence the date.

  A lot of people have been asking how I am feeling. In the first week after finding out I was pregnant, I downloaded some pregnancy apps. They are fun to read, but I started to read the community forums. I would read what people would post they were feeling who were around a similar time as me. I started to analyze my symptoms and realize I had little none of what they were describing. I started to get anxious and drive myself crazy. I have since stopped reading the forums and trying to analyze all my symptoms. The stress was not good and a quote from my favorite movie: "You have to accept what is," has kept me a little more sane. Brian and I want this baby so bad it hurts, but we know we are doing everything we can to keep it healthy and growing and if for some reason I miscarry, we won't look back and say we could have changed this.

  Some of the few changes I have noticed are that I pee way more often then I used to and although I have no nausea, I am just disinterested in food. I have no appetite, which if you know me, is strange. Like I said before, I will take any symptom with a smile on my face because I waited so long for this to happen and it is so worth it!

  We have an ultrasound scheduled on Monday to detect the fetal heart rate. Once the heart rate is detected, the rate of miscarriage drops to 4%. I am anxious and excited for this ultrasound. I hope we see that little heart just flying!

I was wrong

 I have no problem admitting I was wrong, especially when the news is this good:

I was waiting to update this blog for my second HCG level that was drawn yesterday and so far, everything looks good.  While I am not making this news "facebook official" anytime soon (since I am SO early), I have shared the news with people who have known what has been going on and have shared my heartache and joy with me. Words cannot express how amazing and excited Brian and I are.

 They way I found out was through a blood draw on Wednesday 11/23. As I said before, I just couldn't bring myself to do a home test. I even told the RN drawing my blood that I thought it was negative. She stated "well I am going to remain optimistic until I see the result." The way they let us know is through a voicemail we have to access. She was the one to call. My hands were shaking as I dialed the numbers and to my shock...she said it was good news and that I was pregnant. Brian came up just as I got off the phone and pulled me into a hug and started crying. I still remain in shock, but am soooooo happy! After I found out, I used the last pregnancy test I had just to see it say pregnant. I have waited 2 years and many, many tears to see that result.

  Brian and I are just beside ourselves with joy and happiness for our little fighter. I am nervous because I am so early and just hope everything goes well, but I am trying to enjoy every minute of being pregnant and to just not worry. I will go in for an ultrasound during week 6 to see the heartbeat and then they are done with me and I will setup with a regular OB. A lot of people asked if I would be high risk and the answer is "no." Although I will remain on the daily shot, pills, and progesterone suppositories until 12 weeks, I should not need any special care.

 Words cannot express Brian and my happiness and it feels so wonderful to be supported and loved by so many people. This baby is going to know he/she were truly wanted and a lot of people, friends, family, and co-workers already have so much love for them!

Ugh!

WARNING: This post is going to be a woe-is-me Debbie downer post. At least you have far warning so can choose to not read.

  I know I have said the whole time "this probably didn't work." That is my coping mechanism; that is my way of protecting myself, but I have always had a glimmer of hope. What if this is all we needed? Maybe my body can do this.....the closer the days come to the day of the pregnancy test the harder it gets. Tomorrow is the test and today I am a mess. People may ask, why don't you just take a pregnancy test and get it over with? To be honest, I cannot bring myself to look at another negative pregnancy test. I feel like all hope has been lost. A lot of people always tell me, "you never know," but the honest truth is, I have been through this, now my 7th time, of sitting and waiting (don't forget the whole year before I got help) I know how my body responds. Everyone says your breast get tender when you are pregnant. I am fortunate to get tender breast while I am waiting, but a few days before my period, it always disappears. Well, guess what happened, it has gone away giving me the clue, period is coming within the next few days.

  I know people have good intentions. "They now know what is wrong, you can try again in January." I know this, but it still doesn't get any easier. I get to go through the holidays, watching my nieces and nephews enjoy Christmas, wishing I could see such joy in our kid(s). And not to mention Thanksgiving, I am dreading it. I love being with Brian's family. They all are such wonderful people and I have a blast, but this year there is two new pregnant people. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for them, I truly am! But with this being so fresh, I don't know if I can handle it. No one has seen them since they became pregnant and both of them are showing and now > 20weeks. I know people will be interested and asking all kinds of questions. I am afraid I will start to cry. I want to say I can be a big girl and suck it up, but the truth is, this hurts so much, I will only find out for sure the day before and I don't know if my emotions can handle it. Brian will be hanging out with my cousins and my one rock who knows everything won't be there (this is not meant to make you feel bad Randi).

  I keep coming back to January, what if that doesn't work, what if none of it works? I know, someday, I will be okay with not having children, but right now it is too hard to think about. Everyday at work some patient or family asks me if I have kids, someone new on facebook announces that they are pregnant and "overjoyed" or someone is complaining about having to get up with their kids. I know that is what a typical parent does, but I want to yell, "don't you get it, you are so lucky!" I want to know what it feels like to have morning sickness, to have a baby move inside of me and most of all, to hear my child say "I love you mommy and daddy." On the booklet they gave ups with embryo information the header says "Miracles happen," I know my and Brian's love and health are a miracle, but I keep wondering if that type of  "miracle" is going to happen to us.