9 weeks

  I haven't been the greatest about updating my blog. For the last couple weeks I have been super busy with work and the holiday season. We had a wonderful Christmas spent with our families. Of course I got some cute baby gifts like this one modeled by Zoe:

  If you know me you know I LOVE elephants!!!!! I have my first OB appointment tomorrow. It is with a nurse practitioner who I believe will just take a health history and get me established with the clinic. I am not sure, but I think it is to early to hear the heartbeat with the external doppler, but Brian is going to come with me just in case :)

  As far as I can tell things are going well, but then I hear stories of people who miscarry around 8 weeks and they don't find out until 12 weeks. I try not to worry, but it kind of just creeps in. I know once I hit the 12 week mark I will have a big sigh of relief and really start to enjoy it all! I continue to feel pretty good. I have notice I am more tired (if that is even possible :) ) and I have trouble brushing my teeth. I always brush my tongue when I brush my teeth which has never been a problem. These days however, it may or may not elicit a gag reflex and if I gag, I tend to spend quite a few minutes of slow breathing and swallowing :) My stomach still gets upset at times and I have food aversion, but I would not say I have nausea. My co-workers think that I may get lucky and not get morning sickness.

  I plan on putting up belly pictures when I get one, but for now I remain flat. I saw my cousin at Christmas who is 24 weeks pregnant and she had the cutest little belly! I do have to take a minute to say how wonderful Brian has been to me. He is always good to me, but lately have been doing so much to make my life easier and I cannot thank him enough. He does ALL the housework and just little things to make sure I don't have to do much. Words cannot express how blessed I am! 

Ultrasound

Brian and I had our ultrasound yesterday. I was excited and a little apprehensive as I just didn't know what it would show. When the nurse came back to get us, the first thing she said to me was "it is nice to see you smiling." They have been so great there I couldn't have asked for better care.

  Jen (the nurse) warned me ahead of time that it is right on the cusp of seeing the heartbeat as I was 6 weeks, 4 days so if Dr. Corfman didn't see the heartbeat he wouldn't be concerned. Well, if we couldn't see the heartbeat of course I would worry....I can't help it, I am a worrier.

 It was a transvaginal ultrasound like all the ultrasounds I have done for my procedure stuff, but this time it all looked different. There was a baby in there! Dr. Corfman was able to enlarge the screen and you could actually see the baby's heart beating. It was so surreal to see. He was able to measure the heart rate which was 128 beat per minute. The doctor said the baby is measuring right on track (which is actually less than an inch in size) and everything looks really good. Below is one of the ultrasound picture, it is a little blurry but you can see the baby (even though it actually looks like a blob).

  The nurse said you can tell right away when he inserts the probe if things don't look good, but they both said everything looked perfect. Although I am not totally out of the woods until after the first trimester, once they are able to detect the fetal heartbeat, the miscarriage risk goes way down. Jen was so nice and gave me two super big hugs. How do you thank these people for giving you such a special gift? For supporting you and encouraging you the whole time? I told Dr. Corfman that we couldn't thank him enough and he said to talk to him when they are teenagers :) Even the receptionist were waiting to see how the ultrasound went. They asked for me to keep in touch and send pictures and of course I will do that.

 I am still feeling pretty good. Just not really interested in food, but have been trying to eat healthy. My friend Maija just gave me a stack of books about pregnancy so I will be busy reading them (she is a great resource as she has 2 kids under 2.) I am now done with the infertility clinic and my next appt will be with the OB at 9 weeks. Although I am not positive, I am sure they wont' be doing another ultrasound until around 20 weeks, but I will find out more at my appointment. Brian and I are very excited!

6 weeks

 Today I am 6 weeks along. How do I figure? Well, we don't go by my last period because of all the IVF, we go by the date of egg retrieval. Per the clinic, they must have figured the eggs fertilized sometime on the Thursday after the retrieval, hence the date.

  A lot of people have been asking how I am feeling. In the first week after finding out I was pregnant, I downloaded some pregnancy apps. They are fun to read, but I started to read the community forums. I would read what people would post they were feeling who were around a similar time as me. I started to analyze my symptoms and realize I had little none of what they were describing. I started to get anxious and drive myself crazy. I have since stopped reading the forums and trying to analyze all my symptoms. The stress was not good and a quote from my favorite movie: "You have to accept what is," has kept me a little more sane. Brian and I want this baby so bad it hurts, but we know we are doing everything we can to keep it healthy and growing and if for some reason I miscarry, we won't look back and say we could have changed this.

  Some of the few changes I have noticed are that I pee way more often then I used to and although I have no nausea, I am just disinterested in food. I have no appetite, which if you know me, is strange. Like I said before, I will take any symptom with a smile on my face because I waited so long for this to happen and it is so worth it!

  We have an ultrasound scheduled on Monday to detect the fetal heart rate. Once the heart rate is detected, the rate of miscarriage drops to 4%. I am anxious and excited for this ultrasound. I hope we see that little heart just flying!

I was wrong

 I have no problem admitting I was wrong, especially when the news is this good:

I was waiting to update this blog for my second HCG level that was drawn yesterday and so far, everything looks good.  While I am not making this news "facebook official" anytime soon (since I am SO early), I have shared the news with people who have known what has been going on and have shared my heartache and joy with me. Words cannot express how amazing and excited Brian and I are.

 They way I found out was through a blood draw on Wednesday 11/23. As I said before, I just couldn't bring myself to do a home test. I even told the RN drawing my blood that I thought it was negative. She stated "well I am going to remain optimistic until I see the result." The way they let us know is through a voicemail we have to access. She was the one to call. My hands were shaking as I dialed the numbers and to my shock...she said it was good news and that I was pregnant. Brian came up just as I got off the phone and pulled me into a hug and started crying. I still remain in shock, but am soooooo happy! After I found out, I used the last pregnancy test I had just to see it say pregnant. I have waited 2 years and many, many tears to see that result.

  Brian and I are just beside ourselves with joy and happiness for our little fighter. I am nervous because I am so early and just hope everything goes well, but I am trying to enjoy every minute of being pregnant and to just not worry. I will go in for an ultrasound during week 6 to see the heartbeat and then they are done with me and I will setup with a regular OB. A lot of people asked if I would be high risk and the answer is "no." Although I will remain on the daily shot, pills, and progesterone suppositories until 12 weeks, I should not need any special care.

 Words cannot express Brian and my happiness and it feels so wonderful to be supported and loved by so many people. This baby is going to know he/she were truly wanted and a lot of people, friends, family, and co-workers already have so much love for them!

Ugh!

WARNING: This post is going to be a woe-is-me Debbie downer post. At least you have far warning so can choose to not read.

  I know I have said the whole time "this probably didn't work." That is my coping mechanism; that is my way of protecting myself, but I have always had a glimmer of hope. What if this is all we needed? Maybe my body can do this.....the closer the days come to the day of the pregnancy test the harder it gets. Tomorrow is the test and today I am a mess. People may ask, why don't you just take a pregnancy test and get it over with? To be honest, I cannot bring myself to look at another negative pregnancy test. I feel like all hope has been lost. A lot of people always tell me, "you never know," but the honest truth is, I have been through this, now my 7th time, of sitting and waiting (don't forget the whole year before I got help) I know how my body responds. Everyone says your breast get tender when you are pregnant. I am fortunate to get tender breast while I am waiting, but a few days before my period, it always disappears. Well, guess what happened, it has gone away giving me the clue, period is coming within the next few days.

  I know people have good intentions. "They now know what is wrong, you can try again in January." I know this, but it still doesn't get any easier. I get to go through the holidays, watching my nieces and nephews enjoy Christmas, wishing I could see such joy in our kid(s). And not to mention Thanksgiving, I am dreading it. I love being with Brian's family. They all are such wonderful people and I have a blast, but this year there is two new pregnant people. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed for them, I truly am! But with this being so fresh, I don't know if I can handle it. No one has seen them since they became pregnant and both of them are showing and now > 20weeks. I know people will be interested and asking all kinds of questions. I am afraid I will start to cry. I want to say I can be a big girl and suck it up, but the truth is, this hurts so much, I will only find out for sure the day before and I don't know if my emotions can handle it. Brian will be hanging out with my cousins and my one rock who knows everything won't be there (this is not meant to make you feel bad Randi).

  I keep coming back to January, what if that doesn't work, what if none of it works? I know, someday, I will be okay with not having children, but right now it is too hard to think about. Everyday at work some patient or family asks me if I have kids, someone new on facebook announces that they are pregnant and "overjoyed" or someone is complaining about having to get up with their kids. I know that is what a typical parent does, but I want to yell, "don't you get it, you are so lucky!" I want to know what it feels like to have morning sickness, to have a baby move inside of me and most of all, to hear my child say "I love you mommy and daddy." On the booklet they gave ups with embryo information the header says "Miracles happen," I know my and Brian's love and health are a miracle, but I keep wondering if that type of  "miracle" is going to happen to us.

Unexplained Infertility?

  I just didn't feel up to writing this post yesterday. Things have just not gone as planned. I knew that I was going in for a 2 day transfer and by all means, that was not the plan. I had a feeling that not all the eggs fertilized, but I was not ready for what I saw. Out of 10 eggs, only 2 were able to fertilize and one stopped growing leaving me with only one embryo in the early stages. We talked with the embryologist who said that the results of this IVF have explained a lot. Brian's sperm look good and so did my eggs, but for some reason the sperm is having a difficult time getting into the egg. The original way the do IVF is just lay the sperm over the eggs and usually the majority of the eggs do fertilize. The embryologist said since this "conventional" way is not very effective for us, they know next time to use a different method. The method she was talking about is ICIS. With ICIS they actually take one sperm and inject it into the egg. The reason they do not just do this in the beginning is because they like to have as little manipulation as possible. She said all this was very valuable information for her and it is an easy fix. The embryologist said I still have one embryo to try and to not give up on it yet. The reason she is doing the transfer so early is because she does not have to see which one is the strongest, there is only one, and there is no better place for the embryo than inside of mom. She said that this embryo is a fighter, to stay positive and if it does not work, we have a plan for next time.

 I was in tears the whole time. Everyone was very kind. My doctor told me I would not have wanted twins anyways, there is a no return policy :) (they usually transfer 2 embryos). There is no way of knowing if this embryo will implant and stick and there is no way of knowing if it will stop growing like the other one. I don't feel very confident, but I am going to try and stay positive. I would love this to be my little fighter! I am very glad we ended up doing the VIP plan....if this does not work we get 2 more tries, but I hope with all my heart that this little embryo will surpass the odds and grow into our strong, fighter child. I can tell you one thing, this child will be so loved by so many people...especially his/her mommy and daddy!!!!


This is a picture of a 2 cell embryo like mine                       This is a picture of the ICIS procedure
                                                                                                    (lets hope we don't have to go there!)

Up and Down

 Yesterday was the big day, the day of the retrieval. I was to have nothing to eat or drink 6-8 hours before the procedure which was scheduled for 1:30pm. My husband, being concerned about my me...woke up at 5am to make me breakfast in bed even though I insisted I was okay.

 We arrived at the clinic at 12:30 and I got prepped for the procedure. IV placed, going over medical history etc. Brian did his "part" and then we waited in a room together. They have a closed circuit TV that allows you to see what the doctor was seeing so he was able to watch the follicles get removed. The procedure itself was not bad. They give you some sedation to take the edge off. I was awake the whole time, but in a good place. The doctor placed a vaginal ultrasound with a needle attached into the uterus and then extracts the follicles. Here is a picture that shows how it is done:

Once the eggs are extracted they are placed in a test tube, given to the lab and then placed in a petri dish. About 4 hours after the procedure they add the sperm and cross their fingers. Once the eggs are at the stage they want, they re-insert them with a catheter into the uterus.

   I left the clinic with a new medication plan in hopes of optimizing implantation and a goal of a 5 day transfer. My new medication plan includes estradiol pills three times a day, progesterone suppositories (in the vagina) three times a day, and a shot in the butt once a day. These medications are to continue until a negative pregnancy test or if positive, through 12 weeks of pregnancy. With the help of Brian and a co-worker who I owe big time, I will get the shots in my butt. As my co-worker said "that is a lot of shots in the ass!"

 So when I left yesterday I was told no news was good news, well today I got a phone call.......I knew right away something was not right. They were able to extract 10 eggs and although that seems a good number (the lady before me had 20) not all of them may have been "mature" and not all of them may have fertilized. I don't know all the details yet, but I was told my transfer date was moved up to Friday instead of Monday. For whatever reason, whether the egg quality is bad, or lack of eggs, they feel they will do better back in their "natural environment." With the goal being 5 days, I am very hesitant and sad. I thought this was our answer. Brian said, "that is why we chose the VIP (3 try plan) and I understand that, but it is very intensive and I am ready to be a mom. With that said, I am not going to get my hopes up, but try to remain positive. I know I have a lot of love and prayers being sent my way!

It's the little things

  Wow, I am really blessed. Sometimes it is the little things that really make your day. I have had so much support throughout this whole process. The other day in the mail I got a card from my cousin (love you Randi) just because she is thinking of Brian and I and wishing us well. It is the co-workers who help out so all my work is done or come in early to make sure I can get to my appointments; co-workers who are also busy with their own work who don't hesitate to say they will watch my patients so I can go and give myself injections. It is my wonderful husband who wraps his arms around me when I cry for no reason (that seems to happen sometimes with these lovely hormone injections) and thanks me for being strong enough to go through this. And it is my two wonderful best friends who have been with me through this whole process even before I started the infertility doctor, supporting, a shoulder to cry on and bitch, calling,  and now...know all my ultrasound dates and often call me before I can call them to see how everything went (I don't know what I would do without you Maija and Erika! Love you girls so much!). I feel a lot of love from so many people.

  I just got word on the plan today. I am going to give myself two more shots at 0130 on Tuesday. These shots are actually shots that will make me ovulate in 40 hours. The doctor wants to get to me before I ovulate, but he needs this to help so the eggs with be easier to extract. On Wednesday, Brian and I will go in @ 1230 for the egg retrieval. I will have conscious sedation and Brian will be in waiting room that has a video feed so he can see what is happening. I am not sure how many follicles will be mature resulting in eggs to fertilize, but the more you the have better the chances of them lasting for the 5 days, which make the outcome of a successful implantation and resulting pregnancy higher. I am hoping for the best, but am trying not to worry as I can't change anything. Depending how things look, and how many eggs fertilize, the plan is to put two eggs back into me on Monday the 14th. That gives you the highest chance of one taking. I am really hoping they will be able to do this, but again one day at a time!!!

Pin Cushion

I am starting to feel like a pin cushion. Things are going well so far. At this point I am giving myself three different shots a day...two in the morning and one at night. The shots go into my stomach and are just into the skin so they are not too bad.....one however, does feel like a bee sting. I have had two ultrasounds so far. Apparently when you do IVF they follow your progress REALLY close. The nurse says progress looks good so, so so far so good. I have several follicles on each ovary  and they are waiting for them to mature. They are able to tell if your body is ready by looking a your estrogen level (yes, with the ultrasounds come blood work, but that is a breeze) and the size of your follicles. Based on the ultrasounds and your progress, they will give you several days of medication doses to help you continue to grow the follicles. If all goes well, they should retrieve the follicles sometime next week.

  The nurse asked me if I felt bloated yet with all the follicles. Your ovary is only supposed to make one, so when you put 4-6 or so of them on each side, they start running out of room. I do not feel bloated, but I can definitely feel where my ovaries are!

  The one big downfall of all these medications has been the weight gain. Over the last 8-9 months I have been on birth control, off birth control, taking oral hormones and now injectable ones. I know the weight gain is related to the hormones, but it is really hard to take when your pants are starting to be tight, especially when you have been wearing the same pair for years and years. The hard part is, because of the risk of losing the follicles, there is no exercise you can do.....not even sex!  :) You can walk however, and I have spent a lot of time walking the dog over the past week.

With all the stuff I have been doing, it has been going really fast. And although a lot of people make fun of me, with all the Twilight promo for the new movie and stuff, my mind has really been kept off of all this and I think that is a really good thing. I don't sit here and wonder if progress is being made, what if it doesn't, etc. I just do what I have to do each day and enjoy watching all the promo stuff. I work this weekend so that will help also. Anyways, I found a cute picture to add to this post. I think this is what it would have been like if Brian had to give me the shots......good thing I can do them myself!!! :)

Tomorrow it starts....

 Today is the last day before I start my stimulation meds. Once they start, I have a feeling everything will start to go quick as I will have ultrasounds and blood draws frequently. I am excited, but am just going to take it one day at a time - it seems to work best that way. To get all of my medications, they give us a list of pharmacies and we do our own price comparison. I actually found a pharmacy in MN - Fairview specialty pharmacy in MPLS that specializes in fertility medications and they were awesome to work with. Not to mention, they were the cheapest! I finally got all of my medications in three different shipments. The total, a meer $3,000 and that is if no refills are needed  :)

When I open the first package Brian goes "holy crap, that is all for you?" I told him it would be intense, but it will be worth it in end. I will start with just once injection twice a day for the first three days, then it changes to two to three injections twice a day - not too bad, but I am lucky I am a nurse. I can see how it would get very confusing to those not in the medical field.

 I was watching The Little Couple show on TLC the other day. It is such a cute show about these to "midgets" and their day to day life. This couple has also been trying to conceive a child and because of her stature they are using a surrogate. I have not followed too closely, but I know she had trouble stimulating and they finally have two embryos. However, what I thought was most touching was they did a question and answer from the audience. One of the questions was "if you could, would you choose to stay little or be average height." Their answer was they would not change a thing because then they would probably not have found each other. Tears started coming to my eyes...this couple has so many struggles in their day to day life, but they are so happy in love. I feel the same way about Brian. If I can't have a child, I wouldn't change a thing because I am so in love with Brian and I know he is incredibly in love with me! We are certainly lucky and blessed!

It's been awhile

 It has been awhile since I last made an entry. To be honest, there was not a lot to blog about. Since I have last blogged, we have been approved for the VIP program, took my last birth control today, and paid a large sum of money for invitro.

  Before I blog about myself, I want to take a minute to talk about a friend of mine. We were childhood friends who went to the same daycare. We re-connected through facebook and ultimately through the frustrations of infertility together. In August, this friend, at 27 years old and healthy, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. She is currently undergoing chemo and is doing great. Hodgkin's lymphoma has a success rate of 90% with treatment and with her being young and healthy, things look wonderful for her. She is a fighter with a great heart and attitude and I KNOW she will beat this. My heart goes out to her and her family. If you get a chance, check out her blog, she is inspirational!

                                          http://stephaniemadson.blogspot.com/


  I can no longer complain about not having a child. Although both Brian and I would love to have a child of our own, if we can't I know we will get by with the two of us and be happy! We are blessed beyond belief and asking for more just seems wrong.

  I am not sure if I addressed the VIP program before. Basically, what the VIP program is allowing us to do is to buy and "insurance policy." We are paying more up front and if I get pregnant the first time we will actually be paying more than if we just did it one time, but what does it matter if we have our precious child? This program allows us to try IVF up to three times in a year's time. If it does not result in a birth of a baby,  we get 90% of our money back. I am anxious and excited to start, but just taking it one day at a time. First you have to respond to the medications to stimulate, then you have to have a successful extraction, they have to fertilize, and then re-implant into you. There are a lot of steps that could go wrong, so taking it one day at a time is how I am getting by! Tomorrow I start a new drug called Norethindrone. This drug is a progesterone based drug that I will take for 16 days. It will thin and shed my lining and it gets me prepared to start the stimulation medications. Those will begin on the 30th of October. I have a class on Tuesday that will better help me determine the pharmacy to use and how the medications will be administered. For now, I am just happy to be done with birth control! Yay, onto the next step!

I like this cartoon for what the description said.......CHICKEN DISAPPOINTED BY EMPTY NEST. I had a feeling I was getting my period soon and I had to work that night. The last thing I wanted was to find out at work, so I took a pregnancy test on Thursday morning. It was negative. I am glad I did because in the wee morning hours of work, Aunt flow came and there is no way I could deal with that news at work. I wish I could say I took it like a champ, I picked myself up and carried on with my day. No, I cried, and cried and cried. That type of cry where you can barely breath, snot running down your nose and unable to even console yourself.

We will try invitro in November, and although the percentages of people getting pregnant from it are good, my mind has been going. What if we spend all this money and it doesn't work? What if I get pregnant only to miscarry? All of these questions can't be answered, only predicted. I have decided to stop reading success stories of people that have IVF. They are wonderful to hear, but some of these people have tried IVF 3 or more times and frankly, we just don't have the money for that. I am really going to start trying to live my life based on FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE. Have faith and hope everyday that someday I will be a mommy, faith that God will pull me through and give me strength for all of this, and Love with my whole heart my husband, family, and friends. I can't imagine life without being a mom, but I may have to start accepting that reality sooner than later.

I am probably not going to be blogging for awhile since not a whole lot will be happening in the next few months. I have a few test that need to be run before November to get me ready for IVF, but until the end of October I will be on birth control to calm my ovaries and get them ready for the assault they will be under with all the reproductive medications. I will start the medications at the end of October and from there we go with how they eggs are growing. Of course when that process starts I will start blogging more. If I do get pregnant, I want my little one to know how much they were wanted and how loved they were even before they were born!

I have quite a few friends who are still tyring to get pregnant and I am going to be rooting them on every step of the way! My other friend is due to have number 2 in September. Her first will be 14 months old so I will hopefully be over there helping her out and playing with those sweet little girls!

Hope

I have meant to write a blog after my Ultrasound and then after my IUI. I was just not feeling it. I have come to realize that it doesn't matter how many follicles or their size can really predict when you get pregnant. I have had the "ideal" size and number before but it didn't happen. So, who knows......

Here's hoping this:

happened on my last treatment and will lead to this:

I am going to be honest, I am really happy for IUI to finally be done!!! Although I still have to wait about 2 more weeks to see if it worked, I am glad we are done. I never imagined how stressful they could be! I would say mostly stressful because of the roller coaster of emotions. Getting you period.....sadness, hurt, fear - lasts a day or two, then turns into excitement to try again. Then you start to get hopeful while taking your drugs and waiting for the ultrasound. Every time I have responded and have gotten very hopeful. The wait is excruciating....you analyze ever symptom, twing/twant inside your body. Well, I am on the home stretch! If this doesn't work, we will go ahead with invitro in November and hope with all of our hearts it works!

It's been awhile

It has been awhile since I have sat down and written a blog. This has been for a few reasons. 1. I had nothing to write about. I just fininshed my month of birth control and am ready to start again. 2. I am starting to get the feeling of losing hope. As much as I would like to put on a brave front, the possibility of not becoming a mother is becoming more real everyday and I am trying to deal with that. 3. These posts are starting to get depressing and really, not sure that it is helping anyone reading this thing.

As of the past week, I feel like facebook has erupted with people announcing their pregnancies. While I am very happy for all these people, I often start thinking, "when will it be my turn." I am sick of telling my sob story. We have made a decision of what our plan is. Currently I am taking my fertility pills for my 6th and final round of IUI. I can't tell even express how happy I am to have this be done with!!!! Since I miss out of the September invitro session, I will get in with the November group. The doctor said that if that doesn't work and there are extra embryos to freeze we can do what is called a frozen embryo transfer (not sure when the timing) would be and see if that works. If that doesn't work, we are done. I will just have to be okay with the fact I am only going to be "mom" to my animals. I know with time not being a mom will be okay with me, but it is hard when that is a common question at work, especially from patients, "do you have any kids." Luckily, I love my husband with all my heart and if it is just him and I growing old together, then we are very lucky people!

No news.....is NOT good news

So, the whole picture did not come through, but it is an olive in a martini glass and I guess that is kind of the way I felt last Wednesday. No news is not always good news. I have been putting off writing this post, mostly because I have nothing positive to say.

I got my period on Wednesday of last week. I don't know what it was, but I think it hit me there that things were really not looking good. I have tried for so long to stay positive and keep hope, but that day I faltered. I cried and cried and cried. To make matters worse, I DO have a cyst on my right ovary which requires birth control this month - which rules out September invitro. Brian and I made the decision to go for the last round of IUI. Not because we think it is going to work, but because we feel that we should do everything that insurance will pay for - to say we tried everything and it failed.

As of now the plan is for invitro in November. I am scared, it is a lot of money. I am scared it won't work, what if I miscarry? We are trying to decide if we should spend the extra money and pay for the 3 guaranteed rounds. He said it was a waste, that I was healthy and the chances were so good, but he can't tell me I will miscarry - who knows. All questions I have to ask him in our consult before invitro.

As I sit here and write this I wonder if I should just let it go. Be happy with what I have and just be okay with that. A deer hit my car yesterday - it came out of nowhere on a freeway none the less. It just barely clipped my bumper, but had me thinking, I could have died if was a few seconds faster. The speed limit is 65 which leaves little time for reaction, not to mention there are off ramps, and on ramps all around. Was that trying to tell me to just be happy with my life that I am alive? Don't get me wrong, if I can't have kids, I will be happy with my life, I am happy with my life - I don't need children to make me happy, I just really want them. Okay, sorry for the rant. This is why I have been putting it off. I am so happy it is summer and I can just enjoy every day!

Some Songs

I have found a new song that I LOVE. Acutally, Brian was listening to this song and at the last verse he said, that is going to be us. I cry everytime I hear this song, hits so close to home. The song is by Jason Aldean and it is called Laughed Until We Cried. The whole song is great by especially the last lyrics which go as follows........

Just the other night the baby was cryin'

So I got out of bed and rocked her awhile and I held her tight

And I told her it would be alright

My mind went back to a few years ago

We tried so long, we almost gave up hope

And I remember you comin' in and telling me the news

Oh man we were living, going crazy in the kitchen

We danced and screamed and held eachother tight

We laughed until we cried

You can hear the rest of the song and watch the video here:

http://youtu.be/QNLiNJUsleA

Blah

This post isn't going to include any pictures and it may be slightly a debbie downer.....at least everyone has been pre-warned.

I still find it to be such a mystery that it is SOOO incredibly easy for so many people to get pregnant, and here were are...try and try again with no results. I think what sparked this was finding out someone is pregnant. You know how most of the time you are genuinely happy to hear that someone is pregnant, this time it was kind of a shock and then blahhhhhhh. I am happy for this person, but it just really really hurts. Then, to make matters worse, I go on facebook and find out that 2 more people are having children, some of them on their second. I really don't want to sound like a heartless bi*&%, but it just hurts. I just wish there was some rhyme or reason why people get so easy and others try and try. Guess we will never know.

Brian's mom said to me the other day after Brian started working ...."you guys are going to have so much money you don't know what to do with it." My response "I certainly know what we will do with it........have a baby (hopefully)." I wish we could do it the old fashion way, free, but it is what it is. Doing it this way does not mean that Brian and I love each other any less, it just means we will have to lean on each other to get there.

Again, sorry this post is so blah, but,I want these feelings to be real and that is what they are right now. I couldn't be more blessed with a wonderful husband and family and that is what I am holding on to. As my dad says "God works in mysterious ways!"

Another IUI in the books

Well, I can officially say I have completed 5 out of 6 rounds of IUI. Another one for the books!

The ultrasound showed I had a few follicles that were average size. I was told to hold off a day for my shot and then come in for IUI on Friday. Nothing different than before. The nurse that did it says she has been on a hot streak lately so here is holding out hope!!! I did sit down with the business office before I left and again, if no cysts after this round I can still complete my 6th and final round of IUI and get into invitro by September. It is going to be tight, but I can do it. However, if it is too tight and they think it would be better to wait until November, I will certainly do it. It costs a lot of money to do this an I want the best possible chance of a successful outcome! The reason it will be close is due to the fact that they require a certain amount of time on birth control BEFORE you start any of IVF medications to help get the eggs to be of good quality.


Okay, so I am going to switch it up a bit, a couple non IUI/Infertility related topics.....This past Saturday my BFF got married. I can't even describe how beautiful the wedding was and to see them so in love was beyond words. I had and absolute blast and the wedding was absolutely amazing. A HUGE congrats to Ian and Em!!!

Brian is officially back to working as an electrician! It is still hard for me to believe even though he has been going to work! This is amazing as he has been laid off for 2.5 years. He is working at a data center out in Chanhassen and doing the evening/night shift. Working that shift gets him a better chance of getting notice for quality work (which means hopefully not getting laid off when and if the time comes) and a substantial increase in the hourly wage! It will be an adjustment, especially for him, but he is excited to be back out.

One of my really close friends got engaged after dating for 10 years. I am beyond words for how happy I am for them. She give so much of her herself and deserves all this happiness that is coming her way. Can't wait to see what she wants to do with her wedding!

Lastly, if anything has come from this blog, besides a relief to get my feelings out, I was contacted by a childhood friend who had read this blog and then proceeded to tell me she has been silently suffering with infertility. Well, the other day we met for ice cream after about 15 years of not seeing each other. It was amazing how natural this was, like we have been close all of these years. It was so amazing to see her and now that we know we live so close, I hope we can continue this friendship!

Must be instincts

Can't tell you how many times people said, "you don't know that you are getting your period, just wait and see." It must be instincts, but by the time I wrote that last post I KNEW I was getting my period, and as scheduled, it arrived. I did take time to cry and cry, but now it is time to pick myself and get ready for the next round.

I did go get my baseline ultrasound and there was a small victory as there were no cysts. Yay!!!At this point we are still hoping for the best, but planning on doing invitro on september if we can get in in time or then November. Speaking of November, the twilight movie comes out 11/18/11. I am SOOOOO excited - I really can't wait! If you want to check out the trailer go to imdb.com!!!!

Looking forward to my BFF's wedding on Saturday. I guess that means that I can drink....at least I can help her celebrate! Congrats to Emily and Ian!

Bummin'

As much as I would love to put on a happy face and say "it will happen," I want this blog to be real. I want people who also be experiencing infertility to know that the emotional rollercoaster is something that everyone experiences. Today, my rollercoaster is at the bottom.


I don't know why, but I just feel bummed. I always feel so good at the IUI and a few days after, hopeful, happy, but the closer it gets to the pregnancy test the more the doubt creeps in and I start to feel failure. I am supposed to have my pregnancy test on Monday. To be honest, I am not even bothering to schedule it - I just switch it over to an ultrasound anyways. So, I guess I will just bring a handful of tampons to work on Sunday.



As much as I hate it, I do often have "why me" moments. I am going to go through the last 2 IUI rounds - hopefully no more cysts to slow me down - just to make sure we tried everything insurance will cover. IVF is just SO expensive that I want to make sure we (more so me) are not just jumping into it because I want a baby SO bad. Often times I find myself thinking, "why can't I just have a baby like everyone else?" I know I am blessed and should just be happy, but the more I see pictures of people's new babies or news of people having babies, I am super excited for them, but another piece of my heart breaks for me. This is the deal, I don't just want to be a mom, I want to be a mom to Brian and my child. Is all this happening because God knows better? It is just so hard not to think that.



Sorry for this depressing post, but it does help to get it out and as much as I talk positive, it is true that I do fall and wish I didn't.

1 week down

It is memorial day today and I wish the weather was better. Not going to lie, kind of sick of all this rain and cold. I did get to catch Bridesmaids and Hangover II this weekend which were both super funny! Highly recommend both of them!

I am a week out from IUI today. Everything went well (as it has in the past) and I got a massage and had lunch at bennihana afterwards so that was a nice treat. I am trying to stay positive, but not get my hopes up. I do still have two more rounds if this try does not work and then on to invitro. Brian's friends came over this weekend and they brought their baby Isabelle. She was so cute and has gotten so big. She is about year and crawling everywhere!!! She loved the dog too! A very happy baby! There has been a lot of friends on facebook that have recently had babies and I am very happy for them! Off to get more laundry done!

Hopeful

I never blogged after my baseline U/S. I was very nervous and not sure what to expect. When I went in, it showed that I still have a cyst on my left side, but it was slightly smaller and "more solid." The nurse at the time couldn't tell me if that would cause me to wait another month and sent with birth control and the directions that they would call later after they talked to the doctor (he was in N.Dakota helping patients). I cried and called Brian. For most people, another month of birth control is no big deal, I was bummed. It would mean another month of waiting, but it wasn't the end of the world. However, I just want a baby and I have wanted a baby for several years -whether we waited due to Brian being laid off and then infertility, it has been awhile. It is hard when you are trying for baby to be put on birth control because at that point, there is NO chance that month you can get pregnant. All my worrying was relieved a couple of hours later when I got the call that the plan was to "go ahead with treatment this cycle." SO HAPPY!

Yesterday I had my U/S to check and see if I made any follicles. I did! I feel very hopeful!!! I was worried they would have to come in Sunday (they are on-call) and the nurse looked at me in the eye and said "If I was trying to get pregnant, I would want someone to do that for me. I am on-call this weekend and I don't mind at all so don't worry about it." It almost made me cry. They are SOOOOOO nice there it is unbelievable! I will do IUI on Monday and have a massage scheduled for afterwards that I am really looking forward to!

Waiting

So, riddle me this, how is it that every month I hope NOT to get my period, but this month I can't WAIT? HAHAH. Just finishing up my birth control which means once I get my period I can have an ultrasound to see how my cyst is doing and then HOPEFULLY restart this whole process. I hope all those moms out there had a wonderful mother's day. Not going to lie, felt a little broken reading this post on a lot of peoples FB status'

"I've carried a child within my body. Slept with a baby on my chest. I've kissed boo boos and mended broken hearts. I've been puked on, peed on, pooped on and spent sleepless nights in a rocking chair, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My body isn't magazine perfect, but when I look in the mirror I see a MOM, and there is no greater honor or blessing!!"

It is a very beautiful quote, I just wish I could say it....well, I guess I can say that I have been puked on, pooped on, and peed on and my body isn't magazine perfect. On a more positive note, I had a great time enjoying wine and drinks at Em's bachelorette party!!! Looking forward to doing some gardening on this wonderful, sunny day!!!!!

Sweet Surprise

I got a really sweet surprise in the mail last Friday. I got a card in the mail from someone unexpected and it was so thoughtful and uplifting that it really made my day.

Let me share the story about this person. It is amazing the support you get from people who have experienced fertility difficulties. My best friend's fiance's sister (are you still following???) has been married to her husband for many years. They are both successful, wonderful people. I have only met her a few times, but the stories I hear from my best friend and her fiance, you know they are just amazing. This couple has been experiencing issues with infertility. H (not sure if she wants me to use her name) is 32, I believe. H and her husband have been struggling with infertility for a few years. H did finally get pregnant in 2010 and everyone was overjoyed. Unfortunately, this couple, who had difficulties with even getting pregnant, unexpectedly lost their baby boy at 23 weeks. They are in the process of trying again and the strength that this couple has had is beyond amazing and inspiring. In the card H sent me, she enclosed a prayer that I wanted to share because it is so beautiful.

Prayer for Motherhood
O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, wonderful worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will. Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

I can't thank her enough for her kindness and am really looking forward to the day when we hear she is pregnant again!

"The talk"

Brian and I had an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist yesterday to have "the talk." The talk referrers to what are we going to do if the IUI procedures don't work. At this point, I have 3 left to try. There are many reasons that I would hope the IUI works. First and foremost, the cost. At this point, my insurance is paying for 80% if IUI which is very helpful!!! If were were to turn to invitro, insurance would pay for ZERO!!!! Invitro is also much more expensive. The other reason I want IUI to work is because I am selfish. I would really love to have more than one child (if possible). If IUI does not work, insurance will never pay for another go round. So in 3 years, if we decide we want to try it again, it is all on us. If IUI does work, then the insurance resets and will give you another 6 attempts to try and have another child. The doctor did sound optimistic and the percent of women < 35 that get pregnant with IUI is 65%. He said I am making eggs and meeting short term goals so he remains hopeful - that made us feel good!! He also said that this month of birth control was really good for me and it just helps me start fresh and sometimes actually produce healthier eggs when I go off of it.

We did talk invitro. Obviously if IUI does not work we will go for invitro. An average cycle of invitro with medications cost around $16,000. Luckily we have a savings account that would allow us to do this. Here is the selfish part, because it is so expensive, we only have the money to do it once. The success rate is 68% with a 60% chance of multiples. Also, if you have extra eggs, they can freeze them and that only costs $4500 to implant and that success rate is 40%. Again, I am really hoping we don't have to go this route, but if that is what has to happen we will do it and be ecstatic!

I know Brian and I felt relieved after talking to him and felt hopeful. We were originally going to do a different program for invitro, but he basically said it was a waste of money and told us to do research. Looks like if IUI does not work we would be doing invitro in Sept. or Nov. Here's to keeping the faith!

Benched

Ugh! Another setback. I have been benched. After every cycle they do a baseline ultrasound. The reason for this is to see if any residual cysts are present. So far I have been in the clear, NOT today. Apparently I have a large residual cyst on my left ovary. This is not uncommon and for some people it happens after every cycle, but it is just a bummer. What the cyst means is that I have to sit this cycle out. Instead of continuing on with my fertility meds, I will be taking a month of birth control. Apparently the birth control "quiets" the ovaries so they are not overstimulated. This allows your body to have a rest period and can start fresh with the next cycle. It is not the worst thing in the world, but it is frustrating and is kind of a bummer. I have been wanting to get pregnant for two years, and it is a hurry up and wait. PATIENCE is a virtue! I do have to say thank goodness for the nurses at the clinic. They are really supportive and always take the extra time to talk if you need it. I guess on a positive note I will be able to enjoy Emily's bachelorette party.

Deflated

Another negative. This is three in a row which means I only have three more shots at IUI. I was pretty sure I was going to get my period, but I still hold on to the glimmer of hope and in an instant it is dashed. Brian asked "you knew you were going to get it, why are you crying." Because I was hoping..... Brian did say something that made me smile. We have been stressed with this and our dog who has had outbreaks of hives. Brian said, "you knew we were stressed, it would have been a miracle if you got pregnant." I replied "We could use one of those right now." His response "we get one everyday. Everything is going good for us except this. We are happy and healthy." I do agree with him and wish I wouldn't have a pity party for myself because it is true. Time to hold my head up high, take a nap before work, and get ready for this next round.

Not sure

So, I am not so sure this blog thing is for me, but I will continue on. I thought Brian was going to make fun of me for doing this, but instead has been supportive. I left off with the blog that I had visited a reproductive endocrinologist. Although I know I am doing this get tell my story and help other people, I am not going to go into details on the first two IUI's. This is how a general IUI cycle goes........you get your period :( On day 1,2,3 or three of your cycle you get a vaginal ultrasound (yes, they are really that up close and personal with you) to see if you have any residual cysts that may stop you from participating in this round. On day three, I start taking Femarra (a pill that in helps me produce follicles). I take the pills day 3-7 and tend to get a little "weird". On day 10,11, or 12 of my cycle another vaginal ultrasound to see if any follicles are produced. Follicles need to be of 16mm or greater to be mature and thus, mostly likely to contain an egg. However, just because there are follicles does not mean that a person produces eggs - that cannot be determined until someone undergoes invitro fertilization. Once it is determined that "good" follicles are present, I give myself a shot in the stomach to induce ovulation. That shot if the same hormone of pregnancy so in essence, I feel like I am at least 6 weeks pregnant for a week every month. Luckily, the only thing I get are cravings, and very slight! Also the emotions run high. 40 hours after the shot, they perform IUI and cross their fingers for two weeks and good news. The absolute worst part is the wait. Although people tell you to relax, you can't help but be anxious. You start to analyze ever feeling - thinking "am I pregnant?" By the end of the two weeks, I have a hard time containing my emotions as I am anxious, but most of the time feel defeated. I know I need to keep positive thoughts, but two failed attempts it is hard. To get that call that you are not pregnant or get your period is one of the most deflated feelings in the world. As much as I try to prepare myself, I still hold on to some hope that gets crushed in an instant. As much as I say I am not going to cry this time, I break down into a puddle. I get mad, sad, and scared that I will never be a mom. I do need to keep things in perspective. I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends. Although I will be very sad if I cannot be a mom, God has blessed me with a wonderful life and I can be thankful!!!

Wow

Lets get this straight first, I am not a blog type of person. I don't keep a diary and I don't have the need to put my daily life activities on a blog. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I just never thought I would do one. I do, however, LOVE reading about other peoples daily lives and happenings. After reading my cousin Randi's blog about her pregnancy, I knew I always wanted to do a blog when I became pregnant. It was so fun to read about her feelings, her fears, her excitements, etc. I never thought I would be here today writing a blog about infertility. I am not writing this blog so people can say, "oh, I am so sorry for you." I am writing this blog because if it can help someone else out there who is experiencing infertility as well, then it is worth it. Luckily, I have a wonderful support system from first and foremost my husband, but my family, friends, and co-workers as well. Also, I have two co-workers who are also experiencing infertility and that is my basis for writing this blog. Without being able to talk to them, cheer for them, and simply lean on them, I would be lost. Here is my story: I am married to a wonderful man, Brian. Brian and I got married on July 26, 2008. We live in a house in Blaine with our cat and dog. Brian is going to be 32 in July and I just turned 27. I work as a RN and Brian has previously worked as an electrician. We both always knew we wanted to start a family and our "original" plan was to wait a year and then start trying. Then the economy happened. Brian got laid off from his electrician job in January of 2009 and has remained laid off. We decided at that time, we would hold off on starting a family until the job situation looked a little bit brighter. By December of 2009, we had just returned from a once in a lifetime trip to Australia. We decided that we would not "try" for a child, but we would not take precautions either. We knew we were financially stable enough to have a child, but thought it would be better if, before trying, there was a job lined up. I was secretly hoping I would just get pregnant and every month was bummed when it turned out to not happened. With that said, I was also not getting my period regularly, I just assumed that was due to being on birth control for so long and was not worried. July of 2010 arrived and Brian and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. Also great news, Brian got a job at Ultimate Electronics - that gave us the go ahead to now start TRYING for a baby! I was thrilled. Due to my periods being slightly irregular, and from talking to a co-worker, I decided to buy ovulation strips that would help me pinpoint my ovulation to make it easier. The first month yield a positive ovulation strip, but no positive pregnancy test. To spare details, since using the ovulation test, I realized that although I got my period, I was not ovulation every month. Actually, it was only twice out of five months that I was recording. I had my yearly visit in November and decided to talk with my NP. Now, a lot of people were saying "well, you haven't even been trying that long." I did realize that, however, I also knew that without ovulation there was no chance of baby. I had a HSG (hystosalpingogram) a fancy test that is done by a radiologist and a doctor that shoots dye in your uterus and fallopian tubes to see if they are open. Now, not being pregnant before, I was told to just take some advil and it would be "uncomfortable." Ummmm, they were wrong, this test hurt like hell!!!!! In the end, everything looked good. The next step was for me to go see a reproductive endocrineologist. Brian and I met with him in December 2010. Dr. Corfman is one of the best and at first thought I had polycystic ovarian syndrome which turned out not to be the case (they are not sure why I wasn't ovulating regularly). I do distinctly remember him saying he would not give me false hope and that "We'll get you pregnant." I am holding him to those words!!! Instead of going on and on in one blog, I will stop here and break it up. I have a little more history to go before I get to current, which is a third attempt at IUI (intrauterine insemination) tomorrow. Again, I am here to tell my story because someone out there is going through the same thing and if they can relate and this can give them some strength, than it is worth it.