It's been awhile

It has been awhile since I have sat down and written a blog. This has been for a few reasons. 1. I had nothing to write about. I just fininshed my month of birth control and am ready to start again. 2. I am starting to get the feeling of losing hope. As much as I would like to put on a brave front, the possibility of not becoming a mother is becoming more real everyday and I am trying to deal with that. 3. These posts are starting to get depressing and really, not sure that it is helping anyone reading this thing.

As of the past week, I feel like facebook has erupted with people announcing their pregnancies. While I am very happy for all these people, I often start thinking, "when will it be my turn." I am sick of telling my sob story. We have made a decision of what our plan is. Currently I am taking my fertility pills for my 6th and final round of IUI. I can't tell even express how happy I am to have this be done with!!!! Since I miss out of the September invitro session, I will get in with the November group. The doctor said that if that doesn't work and there are extra embryos to freeze we can do what is called a frozen embryo transfer (not sure when the timing) would be and see if that works. If that doesn't work, we are done. I will just have to be okay with the fact I am only going to be "mom" to my animals. I know with time not being a mom will be okay with me, but it is hard when that is a common question at work, especially from patients, "do you have any kids." Luckily, I love my husband with all my heart and if it is just him and I growing old together, then we are very lucky people!

No news.....is NOT good news

So, the whole picture did not come through, but it is an olive in a martini glass and I guess that is kind of the way I felt last Wednesday. No news is not always good news. I have been putting off writing this post, mostly because I have nothing positive to say.

I got my period on Wednesday of last week. I don't know what it was, but I think it hit me there that things were really not looking good. I have tried for so long to stay positive and keep hope, but that day I faltered. I cried and cried and cried. To make matters worse, I DO have a cyst on my right ovary which requires birth control this month - which rules out September invitro. Brian and I made the decision to go for the last round of IUI. Not because we think it is going to work, but because we feel that we should do everything that insurance will pay for - to say we tried everything and it failed.

As of now the plan is for invitro in November. I am scared, it is a lot of money. I am scared it won't work, what if I miscarry? We are trying to decide if we should spend the extra money and pay for the 3 guaranteed rounds. He said it was a waste, that I was healthy and the chances were so good, but he can't tell me I will miscarry - who knows. All questions I have to ask him in our consult before invitro.

As I sit here and write this I wonder if I should just let it go. Be happy with what I have and just be okay with that. A deer hit my car yesterday - it came out of nowhere on a freeway none the less. It just barely clipped my bumper, but had me thinking, I could have died if was a few seconds faster. The speed limit is 65 which leaves little time for reaction, not to mention there are off ramps, and on ramps all around. Was that trying to tell me to just be happy with my life that I am alive? Don't get me wrong, if I can't have kids, I will be happy with my life, I am happy with my life - I don't need children to make me happy, I just really want them. Okay, sorry for the rant. This is why I have been putting it off. I am so happy it is summer and I can just enjoy every day!