Sweet Surprise

I got a really sweet surprise in the mail last Friday. I got a card in the mail from someone unexpected and it was so thoughtful and uplifting that it really made my day.

Let me share the story about this person. It is amazing the support you get from people who have experienced fertility difficulties. My best friend's fiance's sister (are you still following???) has been married to her husband for many years. They are both successful, wonderful people. I have only met her a few times, but the stories I hear from my best friend and her fiance, you know they are just amazing. This couple has been experiencing issues with infertility. H (not sure if she wants me to use her name) is 32, I believe. H and her husband have been struggling with infertility for a few years. H did finally get pregnant in 2010 and everyone was overjoyed. Unfortunately, this couple, who had difficulties with even getting pregnant, unexpectedly lost their baby boy at 23 weeks. They are in the process of trying again and the strength that this couple has had is beyond amazing and inspiring. In the card H sent me, she enclosed a prayer that I wanted to share because it is so beautiful.

Prayer for Motherhood
O glorious Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God, wonderful worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your help. You who always fulfilled God's will on earth, help me to do God's holy will. Intercede with the Giver of life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, that I may conceive and raise children who will please God in this life, and be heirs to the kingdom of heaven. Amen.

I can't thank her enough for her kindness and am really looking forward to the day when we hear she is pregnant again!

"The talk"

Brian and I had an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist yesterday to have "the talk." The talk referrers to what are we going to do if the IUI procedures don't work. At this point, I have 3 left to try. There are many reasons that I would hope the IUI works. First and foremost, the cost. At this point, my insurance is paying for 80% if IUI which is very helpful!!! If were were to turn to invitro, insurance would pay for ZERO!!!! Invitro is also much more expensive. The other reason I want IUI to work is because I am selfish. I would really love to have more than one child (if possible). If IUI does not work, insurance will never pay for another go round. So in 3 years, if we decide we want to try it again, it is all on us. If IUI does work, then the insurance resets and will give you another 6 attempts to try and have another child. The doctor did sound optimistic and the percent of women < 35 that get pregnant with IUI is 65%. He said I am making eggs and meeting short term goals so he remains hopeful - that made us feel good!! He also said that this month of birth control was really good for me and it just helps me start fresh and sometimes actually produce healthier eggs when I go off of it.

We did talk invitro. Obviously if IUI does not work we will go for invitro. An average cycle of invitro with medications cost around $16,000. Luckily we have a savings account that would allow us to do this. Here is the selfish part, because it is so expensive, we only have the money to do it once. The success rate is 68% with a 60% chance of multiples. Also, if you have extra eggs, they can freeze them and that only costs $4500 to implant and that success rate is 40%. Again, I am really hoping we don't have to go this route, but if that is what has to happen we will do it and be ecstatic!

I know Brian and I felt relieved after talking to him and felt hopeful. We were originally going to do a different program for invitro, but he basically said it was a waste of money and told us to do research. Looks like if IUI does not work we would be doing invitro in Sept. or Nov. Here's to keeping the faith!

Benched

Ugh! Another setback. I have been benched. After every cycle they do a baseline ultrasound. The reason for this is to see if any residual cysts are present. So far I have been in the clear, NOT today. Apparently I have a large residual cyst on my left ovary. This is not uncommon and for some people it happens after every cycle, but it is just a bummer. What the cyst means is that I have to sit this cycle out. Instead of continuing on with my fertility meds, I will be taking a month of birth control. Apparently the birth control "quiets" the ovaries so they are not overstimulated. This allows your body to have a rest period and can start fresh with the next cycle. It is not the worst thing in the world, but it is frustrating and is kind of a bummer. I have been wanting to get pregnant for two years, and it is a hurry up and wait. PATIENCE is a virtue! I do have to say thank goodness for the nurses at the clinic. They are really supportive and always take the extra time to talk if you need it. I guess on a positive note I will be able to enjoy Emily's bachelorette party.

Deflated

Another negative. This is three in a row which means I only have three more shots at IUI. I was pretty sure I was going to get my period, but I still hold on to the glimmer of hope and in an instant it is dashed. Brian asked "you knew you were going to get it, why are you crying." Because I was hoping..... Brian did say something that made me smile. We have been stressed with this and our dog who has had outbreaks of hives. Brian said, "you knew we were stressed, it would have been a miracle if you got pregnant." I replied "We could use one of those right now." His response "we get one everyday. Everything is going good for us except this. We are happy and healthy." I do agree with him and wish I wouldn't have a pity party for myself because it is true. Time to hold my head up high, take a nap before work, and get ready for this next round.

Not sure

So, I am not so sure this blog thing is for me, but I will continue on. I thought Brian was going to make fun of me for doing this, but instead has been supportive. I left off with the blog that I had visited a reproductive endocrinologist. Although I know I am doing this get tell my story and help other people, I am not going to go into details on the first two IUI's. This is how a general IUI cycle goes........you get your period :( On day 1,2,3 or three of your cycle you get a vaginal ultrasound (yes, they are really that up close and personal with you) to see if you have any residual cysts that may stop you from participating in this round. On day three, I start taking Femarra (a pill that in helps me produce follicles). I take the pills day 3-7 and tend to get a little "weird". On day 10,11, or 12 of my cycle another vaginal ultrasound to see if any follicles are produced. Follicles need to be of 16mm or greater to be mature and thus, mostly likely to contain an egg. However, just because there are follicles does not mean that a person produces eggs - that cannot be determined until someone undergoes invitro fertilization. Once it is determined that "good" follicles are present, I give myself a shot in the stomach to induce ovulation. That shot if the same hormone of pregnancy so in essence, I feel like I am at least 6 weeks pregnant for a week every month. Luckily, the only thing I get are cravings, and very slight! Also the emotions run high. 40 hours after the shot, they perform IUI and cross their fingers for two weeks and good news. The absolute worst part is the wait. Although people tell you to relax, you can't help but be anxious. You start to analyze ever feeling - thinking "am I pregnant?" By the end of the two weeks, I have a hard time containing my emotions as I am anxious, but most of the time feel defeated. I know I need to keep positive thoughts, but two failed attempts it is hard. To get that call that you are not pregnant or get your period is one of the most deflated feelings in the world. As much as I try to prepare myself, I still hold on to some hope that gets crushed in an instant. As much as I say I am not going to cry this time, I break down into a puddle. I get mad, sad, and scared that I will never be a mom. I do need to keep things in perspective. I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends. Although I will be very sad if I cannot be a mom, God has blessed me with a wonderful life and I can be thankful!!!