3 Months

 I can't believe my sweet girl is already 3 months old. She is old enough that I can stop telling people how many weeks she is and instead just say "3 months." It is amazing how different she looks already! I was just telling Brian that she has gotten so big that the cat feels light when I pick her up (cat is 9.9lbs). It wasn't long ago that Bella felt like a whale compared to Paityn. She is getting fatter and more wrinkles everyday - just the way we like it! Although she still likes to be cuddled, she is staring to prefer being held facing out so she can see the world. She smiles ALL the time! I still have not heard a true laugh or squeal, but I am looking forward to it soon! Her grasp has gotten very strong and although she doesn't grab for things yet, when she gets a hold of an item, she does move it around. She is still not sleeping through the night - she gets up around 1-2am and 5, but much improved from those first early weeks! We just have so much fun with her!

    I went back to work this week and although it was tough leaving her, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. There is no doubt I would rather spend the time with my family, but if I HAVE to work, I do have a pretty awesome job! I love my co-workers and it has been so good to see everyone! I actually put a picture of her on my badge and love to show her off - yes, I have become THAT mom!!! Although I am gone for long periods of time, it does actually go by fast. I am usually so busy at work I don't have time to sit and worry! It hasn't been that hard getting back into the swing of things either. I do still feel a little "out of the loop," but it is sort of like riding a bike. I have not had a lot of difficult patients yet, but just getting back into the swing of being a nurse has been good. Now tomorrow may be a little different as I will have to take the reigns as charge nurse, but I will just do my best and make something up :). I think I also feel more comfortable working, because Brian is becoming more comfortable with taking care of Paityn on his own. He is an amazing dad, but I wasn't sure how he would do with getting up in the middle of the night. The more he does it, the more confident he becomes and it is so fun to watch him with her!

    My friend Erika has started her IUI treatments again after a little break. She has started a blog of her own and you can check it out - it is listed as one of my blogs I follow called Faith Hope Love. I really wish no one had to take the infertility journey, but in the end it is worth every minute. I would love to someday become an advocate for insurance companies paying at least some money for invitro. As it stands now, most insurances pay about 80% of IUI procedures and nothing for invitro. I look at Paityn and think, without this technology, she would not be here and I could not imagine life without her. Fortunately we could afford this procedure, but many people don't have that ability. I read a good article online about IVF becoming more affordable - you can read it here. Due to the cost of IVF, Paityn will be our only child. We cannot afford to do another procedure and unless we miraculously conceive on our own, we won't be doing another round. That is really okay with us - she is our world and we couldn't ask for anything more. Of course I would LOVE to have more children - being a mom is the best, but until IVF becomes significantly cheaper or insurance helps cover the cost - Paityn is it! I feel so bad for the families that, due to financial constraints of IVF, will never get to have the most wonderful experience of being a parent! It is just not fair!

Ugh, the day is here

How can I leave that face?? :(

    If you have read any of my blog, you know that I have been dreading the day I go back to work. Tomorrow at this time I will be back at good old North Memorial. I am know I am lucky to have a job that allows me to not work everyday. I know, as a nurse, in the long run I will have a lot more time with Paityn. The thing that is the hardest for me is that I work 12.5 hr shifts which means I will be gone for about 14 hrs total and when I do shifts, I often do them back to back. I will have gone from seeing my sweet little girl all the time to when I am working, only a few hours a day for up to 3 days in a row. That transition is going to be very hard for me. I NEVER thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, but now I am thinking staying home until she goes to school would have been really nice! I have had one meltdown and cried several times. I know tomorrow is going to be hard, but I will get through it. I had a nice lunch with my friends today and they were very kind, caring, and understanding which was really nice. I also know she will be in good hands. My mom is going to be watching her and loves her to death, I just want to be the one there!

    I am not only sad about leaving Paityn, but I am nervous to go back to work for other reasons. Nursing is very much a skill and working in the trauma neuro intensive care, it is very intense and you have to be on top of things at all times. I have not practiced these skills in about 14 weeks, I will be rusty. It is going to take awhile to get back into the swing of things and sometimes, that time is just not available. The other part I know is going to be hard, and I know this is harsh, but sometimes being a nurse is not so rewarding. People don't appreciate the work you do, they yell at you, etc. I am going to have a VERY hard time being kind and compassionate to these ungrateful people especially when I know I could be home and happy with my beautiful family! Oh well, it is just 12 hours and I know I come home to something much better!

  Brian has not had a lot of alone time with Paityn and he has not gotten up in the middle of the night with her (by my choice). I know and feel confident that he is capable with his daughter, but I know it will be a hard transition for him too. Good thing I don't work every night! A lot of people have asked me if now that I have a daughter if I will stay on nights. I do nights for many reasons: there is a lot less drama at work with families, bosses, doctors, and staff, we get free parking at night, our shift differential is $4/hr more, we get a bonus of 32 free hours every year, and I can work less. I figure, if I can work less and make the same amount of money, why not - plus I can do it. Some people just can't physically do night shift. Straight days are not an option so I if I rotated I would have to do do about 40% nights without all the added bonuses.

  This past weekend we went to Brian's cousin Chris' wedding. Chris is such a sweetheart and has a daughter of his own who is 3. Chris has always kind of been a ladies man, but he met a wonderful girl Gina and they are so great together. They really make a beautiful couple and it was an amazing wedding. The wedding was held in Duluth so we took a little road trip up there. We made it a day trip since we did not have anyone to watch Zoe. She only fussed for about 15-20 minutes on the way up there and we did have to stop once on the way home, but overall did very well on the car ride. Chris had not met Paityn yet and it was so sweet, when they were saying "hello" he gave her a kiss. Brian and Chris were talking, and always the jokester that Chris is he says" you love them, but don't you wish you could just pick them up from the factory at (age) 3?" The wedding was so fun and it was great to see his whole family (it doesn't happen nearly enough). I wish we could have stayed longer. Here are a few pictures from the wedding:

Chris and Gina's first dance...she looked AMAZING!



The Hime family :)



Uncle Ron holding Paityn,,,I wish she wasn't blurry :(







Clearly someone was all partied out!



  The other day I went for a run. Brian has always loved to cuddle (not me so much which is weird), but his favorite thing to do is cuddle Paityn. He had put some daddy songs on (when I left it was 'My Little Girl' by Tim McGraw and when I returned home it was 'Butterfly Kisses') and was slow dancing with her and crying (well not the whole time, but there were tears when I left). That little girls is just wrapped around his little finger, well both of ours actually. I asked him if he thought he would love a little boy as much and he said "probably not." I can't believe the love that she was brought us!



Apple Orchard

I have been looking forward to taking Paityn to an apple orchard. I have great memories of going with my mom and grandma every year as a child. I love the whole fall atmosphere, picking apples, pumpkins, etc. Brian, Paityn, and I, along with our friends Scott and Julie and their girls, went to Apple Jack's Orchard in Delano last Saturday. I had the cutest little outfit on Paityn and was all ready to take some great pictures, but the weather got in the way. Don't get me wrong, I loved that it was hot out, but it didn't work with my outfit. My mom got Paityn a onesie that says "daddy is under my spell" with a little black tutu and orange and black pant with stripes. Only about a half hour into the outing the pants and headband were off and she was just wearing her onesie and sweating that! Oh well, we had a good time and maybe in a few weeks we can try again to get good pictures. Here are a few that we got:



Paityn's pants that we had to take off



Her first pumpkin

Won't be long before she can eat the carmel apple - mom had it instead :)



Scott and Julie's daughter Isabelle

    Paityn has been growing like a weed. She has already outgrown over half of her 3 month pajamas. She is not even 3 months old yet! She doesn't seem to be that long, but she must be because the pajamas are stretched to the limit. I had to crack out the 6 month pajamas to get washed! The other night when we had a bath I noticed that her toe looked weird. Upon closer inspection Brian and I found that a hair (probably mine) somehow got wrapped around her little toe and actually cut into the skin. With a tweezers we were able to get it loose and off, but her toe did take a few days to heal. Brian looked it up online and it is rare, but does happen. I felt horrible - poor little girl :(

  I heard some wonderful news today that a friend of mine who I have previously blogged about here got word that she is now in remission! I am so happy for her and her family. She fought quite the battle and did with grace and elegance. I am glad she can move past her cancer and start working on a family that she so desperately wants. Her and her husband are such a loving couple and will make the most wonderful parents!

  Through facebook today I can across another blog of someone who dealt with infertility. I don't know her personally, but her blog was very interesting and quite touching. If  anyone is interested  the link is here.

  I was rocking Paityn today and started to cry. I just don't know how we got so lucky to have this beautiful little girl. God has really blessed us! She is Brian and my world and I just couldn't imagine not having the opportunity to be her mom. It really is the most wonderful thing!