Not sure

So, I am not so sure this blog thing is for me, but I will continue on. I thought Brian was going to make fun of me for doing this, but instead has been supportive. I left off with the blog that I had visited a reproductive endocrinologist. Although I know I am doing this get tell my story and help other people, I am not going to go into details on the first two IUI's. This is how a general IUI cycle goes........you get your period :( On day 1,2,3 or three of your cycle you get a vaginal ultrasound (yes, they are really that up close and personal with you) to see if you have any residual cysts that may stop you from participating in this round. On day three, I start taking Femarra (a pill that in helps me produce follicles). I take the pills day 3-7 and tend to get a little "weird". On day 10,11, or 12 of my cycle another vaginal ultrasound to see if any follicles are produced. Follicles need to be of 16mm or greater to be mature and thus, mostly likely to contain an egg. However, just because there are follicles does not mean that a person produces eggs - that cannot be determined until someone undergoes invitro fertilization. Once it is determined that "good" follicles are present, I give myself a shot in the stomach to induce ovulation. That shot if the same hormone of pregnancy so in essence, I feel like I am at least 6 weeks pregnant for a week every month. Luckily, the only thing I get are cravings, and very slight! Also the emotions run high. 40 hours after the shot, they perform IUI and cross their fingers for two weeks and good news. The absolute worst part is the wait. Although people tell you to relax, you can't help but be anxious. You start to analyze ever feeling - thinking "am I pregnant?" By the end of the two weeks, I have a hard time containing my emotions as I am anxious, but most of the time feel defeated. I know I need to keep positive thoughts, but two failed attempts it is hard. To get that call that you are not pregnant or get your period is one of the most deflated feelings in the world. As much as I try to prepare myself, I still hold on to some hope that gets crushed in an instant. As much as I say I am not going to cry this time, I break down into a puddle. I get mad, sad, and scared that I will never be a mom. I do need to keep things in perspective. I have a wonderful husband, family, and friends. Although I will be very sad if I cannot be a mom, God has blessed me with a wonderful life and I can be thankful!!!