Bummin'

As much as I would love to put on a happy face and say "it will happen," I want this blog to be real. I want people who also be experiencing infertility to know that the emotional rollercoaster is something that everyone experiences. Today, my rollercoaster is at the bottom.


I don't know why, but I just feel bummed. I always feel so good at the IUI and a few days after, hopeful, happy, but the closer it gets to the pregnancy test the more the doubt creeps in and I start to feel failure. I am supposed to have my pregnancy test on Monday. To be honest, I am not even bothering to schedule it - I just switch it over to an ultrasound anyways. So, I guess I will just bring a handful of tampons to work on Sunday.



As much as I hate it, I do often have "why me" moments. I am going to go through the last 2 IUI rounds - hopefully no more cysts to slow me down - just to make sure we tried everything insurance will cover. IVF is just SO expensive that I want to make sure we (more so me) are not just jumping into it because I want a baby SO bad. Often times I find myself thinking, "why can't I just have a baby like everyone else?" I know I am blessed and should just be happy, but the more I see pictures of people's new babies or news of people having babies, I am super excited for them, but another piece of my heart breaks for me. This is the deal, I don't just want to be a mom, I want to be a mom to Brian and my child. Is all this happening because God knows better? It is just so hard not to think that.



Sorry for this depressing post, but it does help to get it out and as much as I talk positive, it is true that I do fall and wish I didn't.