I like this cartoon for what the description said.......CHICKEN DISAPPOINTED BY EMPTY NEST. I had a feeling I was getting my period soon and I had to work that night. The last thing I wanted was to find out at work, so I took a pregnancy test on Thursday morning. It was negative. I am glad I did because in the wee morning hours of work, Aunt flow came and there is no way I could deal with that news at work. I wish I could say I took it like a champ, I picked myself up and carried on with my day. No, I cried, and cried and cried. That type of cry where you can barely breath, snot running down your nose and unable to even console yourself.

We will try invitro in November, and although the percentages of people getting pregnant from it are good, my mind has been going. What if we spend all this money and it doesn't work? What if I get pregnant only to miscarry? All of these questions can't be answered, only predicted. I have decided to stop reading success stories of people that have IVF. They are wonderful to hear, but some of these people have tried IVF 3 or more times and frankly, we just don't have the money for that. I am really going to start trying to live my life based on FAITH, HOPE, and LOVE. Have faith and hope everyday that someday I will be a mommy, faith that God will pull me through and give me strength for all of this, and Love with my whole heart my husband, family, and friends. I can't imagine life without being a mom, but I may have to start accepting that reality sooner than later.

I am probably not going to be blogging for awhile since not a whole lot will be happening in the next few months. I have a few test that need to be run before November to get me ready for IVF, but until the end of October I will be on birth control to calm my ovaries and get them ready for the assault they will be under with all the reproductive medications. I will start the medications at the end of October and from there we go with how they eggs are growing. Of course when that process starts I will start blogging more. If I do get pregnant, I want my little one to know how much they were wanted and how loved they were even before they were born!

I have quite a few friends who are still tyring to get pregnant and I am going to be rooting them on every step of the way! My other friend is due to have number 2 in September. Her first will be 14 months old so I will hopefully be over there helping her out and playing with those sweet little girls!

Hope

I have meant to write a blog after my Ultrasound and then after my IUI. I was just not feeling it. I have come to realize that it doesn't matter how many follicles or their size can really predict when you get pregnant. I have had the "ideal" size and number before but it didn't happen. So, who knows......

Here's hoping this:

happened on my last treatment and will lead to this:

I am going to be honest, I am really happy for IUI to finally be done!!! Although I still have to wait about 2 more weeks to see if it worked, I am glad we are done. I never imagined how stressful they could be! I would say mostly stressful because of the roller coaster of emotions. Getting you period.....sadness, hurt, fear - lasts a day or two, then turns into excitement to try again. Then you start to get hopeful while taking your drugs and waiting for the ultrasound. Every time I have responded and have gotten very hopeful. The wait is excruciating....you analyze ever symptom, twing/twant inside your body. Well, I am on the home stretch! If this doesn't work, we will go ahead with invitro in November and hope with all of our hearts it works!

It's been awhile

It has been awhile since I have sat down and written a blog. This has been for a few reasons. 1. I had nothing to write about. I just fininshed my month of birth control and am ready to start again. 2. I am starting to get the feeling of losing hope. As much as I would like to put on a brave front, the possibility of not becoming a mother is becoming more real everyday and I am trying to deal with that. 3. These posts are starting to get depressing and really, not sure that it is helping anyone reading this thing.

As of the past week, I feel like facebook has erupted with people announcing their pregnancies. While I am very happy for all these people, I often start thinking, "when will it be my turn." I am sick of telling my sob story. We have made a decision of what our plan is. Currently I am taking my fertility pills for my 6th and final round of IUI. I can't tell even express how happy I am to have this be done with!!!! Since I miss out of the September invitro session, I will get in with the November group. The doctor said that if that doesn't work and there are extra embryos to freeze we can do what is called a frozen embryo transfer (not sure when the timing) would be and see if that works. If that doesn't work, we are done. I will just have to be okay with the fact I am only going to be "mom" to my animals. I know with time not being a mom will be okay with me, but it is hard when that is a common question at work, especially from patients, "do you have any kids." Luckily, I love my husband with all my heart and if it is just him and I growing old together, then we are very lucky people!

No news.....is NOT good news

So, the whole picture did not come through, but it is an olive in a martini glass and I guess that is kind of the way I felt last Wednesday. No news is not always good news. I have been putting off writing this post, mostly because I have nothing positive to say.

I got my period on Wednesday of last week. I don't know what it was, but I think it hit me there that things were really not looking good. I have tried for so long to stay positive and keep hope, but that day I faltered. I cried and cried and cried. To make matters worse, I DO have a cyst on my right ovary which requires birth control this month - which rules out September invitro. Brian and I made the decision to go for the last round of IUI. Not because we think it is going to work, but because we feel that we should do everything that insurance will pay for - to say we tried everything and it failed.

As of now the plan is for invitro in November. I am scared, it is a lot of money. I am scared it won't work, what if I miscarry? We are trying to decide if we should spend the extra money and pay for the 3 guaranteed rounds. He said it was a waste, that I was healthy and the chances were so good, but he can't tell me I will miscarry - who knows. All questions I have to ask him in our consult before invitro.

As I sit here and write this I wonder if I should just let it go. Be happy with what I have and just be okay with that. A deer hit my car yesterday - it came out of nowhere on a freeway none the less. It just barely clipped my bumper, but had me thinking, I could have died if was a few seconds faster. The speed limit is 65 which leaves little time for reaction, not to mention there are off ramps, and on ramps all around. Was that trying to tell me to just be happy with my life that I am alive? Don't get me wrong, if I can't have kids, I will be happy with my life, I am happy with my life - I don't need children to make me happy, I just really want them. Okay, sorry for the rant. This is why I have been putting it off. I am so happy it is summer and I can just enjoy every day!

Some Songs

I have found a new song that I LOVE. Acutally, Brian was listening to this song and at the last verse he said, that is going to be us. I cry everytime I hear this song, hits so close to home. The song is by Jason Aldean and it is called Laughed Until We Cried. The whole song is great by especially the last lyrics which go as follows........

Just the other night the baby was cryin'

So I got out of bed and rocked her awhile and I held her tight

And I told her it would be alright

My mind went back to a few years ago

We tried so long, we almost gave up hope

And I remember you comin' in and telling me the news

Oh man we were living, going crazy in the kitchen

We danced and screamed and held eachother tight

We laughed until we cried

You can hear the rest of the song and watch the video here:

http://youtu.be/QNLiNJUsleA

Blah

This post isn't going to include any pictures and it may be slightly a debbie downer.....at least everyone has been pre-warned.

I still find it to be such a mystery that it is SOOO incredibly easy for so many people to get pregnant, and here were are...try and try again with no results. I think what sparked this was finding out someone is pregnant. You know how most of the time you are genuinely happy to hear that someone is pregnant, this time it was kind of a shock and then blahhhhhhh. I am happy for this person, but it just really really hurts. Then, to make matters worse, I go on facebook and find out that 2 more people are having children, some of them on their second. I really don't want to sound like a heartless bi*&%, but it just hurts. I just wish there was some rhyme or reason why people get so easy and others try and try. Guess we will never know.

Brian's mom said to me the other day after Brian started working ...."you guys are going to have so much money you don't know what to do with it." My response "I certainly know what we will do with it........have a baby (hopefully)." I wish we could do it the old fashion way, free, but it is what it is. Doing it this way does not mean that Brian and I love each other any less, it just means we will have to lean on each other to get there.

Again, sorry this post is so blah, but,I want these feelings to be real and that is what they are right now. I couldn't be more blessed with a wonderful husband and family and that is what I am holding on to. As my dad says "God works in mysterious ways!"

Another IUI in the books

Well, I can officially say I have completed 5 out of 6 rounds of IUI. Another one for the books!

The ultrasound showed I had a few follicles that were average size. I was told to hold off a day for my shot and then come in for IUI on Friday. Nothing different than before. The nurse that did it says she has been on a hot streak lately so here is holding out hope!!! I did sit down with the business office before I left and again, if no cysts after this round I can still complete my 6th and final round of IUI and get into invitro by September. It is going to be tight, but I can do it. However, if it is too tight and they think it would be better to wait until November, I will certainly do it. It costs a lot of money to do this an I want the best possible chance of a successful outcome! The reason it will be close is due to the fact that they require a certain amount of time on birth control BEFORE you start any of IVF medications to help get the eggs to be of good quality.


Okay, so I am going to switch it up a bit, a couple non IUI/Infertility related topics.....This past Saturday my BFF got married. I can't even describe how beautiful the wedding was and to see them so in love was beyond words. I had and absolute blast and the wedding was absolutely amazing. A HUGE congrats to Ian and Em!!!

Brian is officially back to working as an electrician! It is still hard for me to believe even though he has been going to work! This is amazing as he has been laid off for 2.5 years. He is working at a data center out in Chanhassen and doing the evening/night shift. Working that shift gets him a better chance of getting notice for quality work (which means hopefully not getting laid off when and if the time comes) and a substantial increase in the hourly wage! It will be an adjustment, especially for him, but he is excited to be back out.

One of my really close friends got engaged after dating for 10 years. I am beyond words for how happy I am for them. She give so much of her herself and deserves all this happiness that is coming her way. Can't wait to see what she wants to do with her wedding!

Lastly, if anything has come from this blog, besides a relief to get my feelings out, I was contacted by a childhood friend who had read this blog and then proceeded to tell me she has been silently suffering with infertility. Well, the other day we met for ice cream after about 15 years of not seeing each other. It was amazing how natural this was, like we have been close all of these years. It was so amazing to see her and now that we know we live so close, I hope we can continue this friendship!